These writings are just as much, if not more so, for myself than for anyone who reads the words. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I strive hard for truth as I write from some of the darkest and most agonizing places that a husband's heart can experience. To TRULY love someone risks the very real danger of destruction. Whether my perception from this place of severe suffering is the accurate picture of reality or not, what I write should only be judged in the light of God's Word.
It is not that other things in my life, such as sports or motorbikes, have become less important to me, but Christa has become that much MORE important and attractive to me! If other things or activities need to be set aside for the sake of my bride, I will. Not because I have to, but because I realize at least to some extent, just how much more valuable my Christa is than anything else in this life. How could I put some cheap, passing, potential pleasure ahead of her? You will monitor and care for your greatest investments in life, more carefully than any others. And the Bible clearly states that your wife should be your greatest investment.
Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed to be able to do some things I really enjoy, such as motor-biking, photography, basketball, shooting various types of guns, working out and running, teaching sunday school, playing guitar pretty intensely since a very young age, working hard and saving up money, driving some sweet Toyota trucks, etc etc; and I will always enjoy "guy stuff". Christa loves it when I'm able to hit up the gym, or play a good game of basketball! And it makes me so happy to see her able to do things in this life that she really enjoys.
But imagine a big bookshelf that has all the things in your life that are important to you, ranging from minor things at the bottom, to major things placed high up.
I.e. what you think about most, is of highest priority to you.
Now, the upper shelves represent what is most precious and valuable to you. Now, when you get married, the bookshelf doesn't come crashing down to a pile of old hobbies and dreams (or at least it shouldn't). But instead, things get rearranged.
The most rearranging happens for a man when he gets married. If things do get thrown out, then they probably shouldn't have been there at any point in time. And if the man is rearranging his bookshelf with any other attitude than a joyful one, look out. Because unfortunately for most people, marriage is like new cloths, the best it's gonna look is at the store. After that, it becomes harder to keep your interest. But if the couple realizes the true value of things, rearranging priorities is no problem.
This is why true marriage and the relationships that lead to it, must be accurately explained and taught to young people early on in life! To realize the pure magnitude of what marriage really is, and be waiting and ready for it. Trials in marriage turn from circumstances that divide, to opportunities that perfect the relationship.
If someone dropped you on an island, with a map to priceless treasure, you would head straight into the jungle looking for it. If you encountered wild animals, traps, and marooned pirates trying to keep you from it, would you throw up the white flag and call it a day? No way. NOT if you knew the true value of what you were going after. You would endure anything for the prize.
A soldier in war will endure many hardships if he believes what he is fighting for, is worth fighting for. In the case of marriage, the rewards often come as you carry on, assuring you of the bearings you both set your compass to. Some days will seem like a dream, while others can be more stormy, but your eyes remain fixed on the true purpose of marriage, and what you and your wife are truly defined by, and you stay the course.
I will be blunt. A marriage or relationship not built on Christ, will lack any genuine purpose. Without living from the reality that you have been forgiven untold debts, you will approach relationships with an attitude ultimately centered on yourself, instead of on Christ who commands a husband to love his wife, because He first loved us. What greater privilege, and purpose is there for a man?
NOT A DICTATOR
This privilege of being married involves many responsibilities for the man, but one stands out to me from reading the Bible, more than most.
A man must lead. His role is to be the head of his wife, and family.
Probably the most precise part of the Bible that touches on this issue is from Ephesians 5 when Paul wrote these inspired words,
"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her," it goes on to further explain, but I'll stick to these words for right now.
Now, if you guys get excited and even smirk a bit at the idea of being "the head" of your marriage, then I can confidently say that you have no clue what that command entails. This is not a part of your marriage that you volunteer for with a song in your heart, and a smile on your face. You do not want to be the leader. It is a staggering responsibility that you will answer to God for. If you have an accurate understanding of what it means to be a man in the setting of a marriage, then you know this is not something you want, but something you know comes with the territory.
If you claim to be a Christian, then the Bible say you will one day present your wife to God, and answer for how you acted towards her, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." (Eph. 5)
And you ladies, your heart may baulk, and just the notion that you are to be "subject" to your man, might stir up all sorts of imagery that repulses you. Probably inspired by the God hating world we live in, which by the way, offers no functional alternative.
First off, that is what the Bible says, and says clearly. There is no getting around it. So at the risk of sounding cold, it really doesn't matter how you feel on the issue. But second, you probably just like guys, have a very distorted and incorrect perspective on what this looks like in a solid marriage. I will explain what this should look like, and you can take it from there.
(On a side note, I find it strange that a good chunk of the liberal camp of today's society bash Christians for viewing women as second class citizens, when in truth, it was Christianity that first brought about women's rights and the idea that women should be viewed at equal. Besides Jesus breaking all sorts of social barriers and speaking with women in public in a way equal with that of a man, Paul who wrote the verses I just quoted, also wrote about allowing women to sit along side men for the first time, and learn in the church.)
The Bible does not command women to be a submissive species in general. You may have already caught this, but read the first few words about being subject, "...to your own husbands..." This does not mean that any man can ask you to serve him you have to do it; not at all! The command is not to lay over and play dead because all of your own will and passions have been shut down. The command is to submit to your own husband, and before that, your dad (assuming he was in the picture), and not to anyone else's authority (besides that of Christ which everyone will one day bow to).
This is much easier and more of a joy to do I find, if the man the woman is married to, is desiring and straining to be a man that submits to Christ. Respect and trust for her husband will be inevitable. The wife is actually submitting to God first, by choosing to submit to her own husband as God has called her to do. This is a major part of God's design for a healthy marriage as no man will ever reach a level that is truly worthy of being submitted to by God's standards; failures will happen.
If his motives and character are all focused on himself, then there is good reason for his woman to be nervous. If his priorities are not her well-being and growth as a woman, but his car, career, sports, friends, hobbies etc., then the wife is forced to pull his share of the weight as well as babysit him. What often happens, is the wife ends up fighting a lot of the battles of life that are her man's job. From having to keep tabs on his spending habits, apologizing to friends for words he said, to dealing with an issue with the neighbors because he doesn't feel like it. I'm sure you can come up with many possible examples. How can a woman feel safe and protected when she's stepping up to do her guy's job?? Only boys are permitted to hide behind mom's skirts.
In Genesis, (chapter 3: 16-19) when God cursed man because of sin, He had one curse for men and one for women. Men were now to toil, sweat and labor in their work to provide for their families; and women would now have significant pain in childbirth.
Now, what is happening more and more in our current society is that women want an equal share in both curses. They want the pain have birthing children, as well as the curse of labouring in the work force.
I am not saying there is never a time for a woman to work outside the home, but merely pointing at just how skewed our culture views a woman's roles and responsibilities. It's far too much to expect a woman to take on the responsibilities and curse of a man, as well as the enormous burden of raising children.
There seems to be a lot more successful business and career women, then there are successful mothers. This shows just which one is actually more difficult, and ultimately more rewarding and praiseworthy.
In the book of Romans Paul indirectly touches on an interesting point of who bears certain responsibilities within a marriage. "Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man..." Notice that even though Eve was first to actually sin, the blame and responsibility was laid on Adam, the man. Just like car insurance bills the policy holder for a collision, even if someone else was driving, God put the responsibility of what the woman did, on the man. This does not make Adam more or less important to God than Eve, but it does give a clear picture of God's design for the man to be a leader.
In Genesis God created and designed a woman to help their man. Why? Because we men weren't going to make it on our own. We are in desperate need of a Godly woman in our lives.
But when a woman has to help the boy she is married to, instead of her man, many unnecessary problems arise.
Back to the men, it is your responsibility to serve your wife! Not by letting her walk all over you, but the best leaders are the ones who serve those who follow them by putting their needs above their own. My dad has worked 12 hour days, 5-6 days a week for over 20 years. He does this to serve his family. He is not buying sports cars and pricey golf clubs with his earnings. He was taking care of us!
Or another example is from war, where the best generals are those who stay with the men in the trenches. And who make sure his men are taken care of before himself. He will be the first onto the battle field, and the last to leave.
In a much more intense way, this should be the case within marriage.
"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many." - Written about Jesus in the book of Mark.
True leadership, means putting her needs above yours. Not necessarily wants, but what she needs. In a way, when you become a husband, you and what you want doesn't exist anymore. The best soldiers fight as if they're already dead. Going to work and providing for your household is not the gold standard for husbandry. Animals know how to do this better than most guys. No, your real job begins after work.
Paul Washer says this, "After a hard day at work, you get home, and that's when your work really starts."
Being the leader, is far from being the dictator. Let me say that again, the man is NOT a dictator.
A quote I really like is this, "I can tell exactly what kind of man you are, by looking at your wife." This is so true. What the speaker meant was this: The wife is often such a direct mirror to how she is being loved or not loved by her man. A woman who is not being prized and loved fiercely, will whither away over time like a dying flower. While a woman who is being passionately loved and cared for to the exclusion of all others, will grow and thrive even in bad weather! (Christa loves this analogy. And sometimes when we're able to get out, she'll easily be able to point out a woman who is a "withering flower".)
It is crucial, that you men lead your women well in a self-sacrificing way only from the blueprints laid out perfectly in the Bible.
If the husband creates a "world" for his bride by leading compassionately by living according to God's will, then his wife will feel safe and secure, knowing full well she is loved; then she will respect and trust him to no end, and follow him into the most dangerous war zones of life.
But if he is a man with purely selfish, greedy, and self pleasing motives for everything he does, it becomes extremely difficult for his wife to respect and trust him. How can she? Especially when he is not leading his family spiritually. That is the worst of all if he is failing in how he is leading spiritually. He is more dangerous to his wife and family than a deranged gunman stumbling into their home if he is not stepping up and setting an example worthy to be followed. If a husband and father fails in leading spiritually, he has failed in the worst way as the results can have eternal consequences.
The issue of pornography among men and some woman is one I can't help but point at as I write about marriage, as a key structural flaw and barrier between a failing marriage, and a growing one. Sexual sin is more than enough to completely stunt any relationship; especially marriage. You have no hope of having a healthy and thriving marriage if you are in sexual sin. It goes directly against the design of marriage.
Porn is a like Wile E Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner by hanging a thin sheet painted like a highway in front of a brick wall...except this actually works on over 90% of guys. They go running full bore through the sheet painted like a pretty road to go down, straight into the brick wall; then wonder why their life hurts, and why they're not happy. The "porn addiction" as its called, should be really be titled a "self addiction". I think the word addiction can take some of the responsibility off the addicted person.
Here are some quick stats on pornography if you're interested:
The percentage of men who search out naked women, or go after any woman with impure motives, who are NOT their wives, is just as high among so called Christians.
The excuses range from "God will forgive me.",
"My wife isn't trying enough to make me happy.",
"So many of my friends struggle with it.",
"I need to slowly get out of the addiction. I can't quit cold turkey.",
or "It's too difficult to stop now..."
Ok, so here is what it comes down to: Sin.
When you deliberately search out sin you are spitting on the blood of Christ. You are literally saying, "That's great God. Thanks but no thanks. I'm enjoying my pig slop too much to leave it now."
In the all too common case of 90%+ of men, it's sex related sin. You are saying that what you want, ranks above what Christ did for you. If you are a believer, the Bible says you are God's property. Bought and sold like a slave. Except you were bought from the ruthless master called sin, and brought into the house and family of God.
James, the half-brother of Jesus while he was on earth, wrote about a life where actions fail to show what the tongue claims the heart to believe, was never a life saved by Christ at all, but one still a slave to sin. (Romans 1) You stay in sin long enough, and the worst thing will happen, He will give you exactly what you want. God will give you over to it.
You get enough synthetic lingerie clad, nipped and tucked, botox injected filth through the filter of your heart, and God will do something so awful. He will give you what you want. Your filter (conscience) will get so clogged with sin, and become so hardened by it, that when your body and soul turn toxic from the poison it releases, it will be far too late.
And John, Jesus' closest disciple wrote "Whoever says 'I know him,' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person."
Following Christ is not based on perfect living, but being broken over your sin, and then changing, is.
If you continue in a life of sin with no repentance, then the Bible defines you as one who is not saved, and on his way to Hell. "No one who lives in him keeps on sinning. No one who continues to sin has either seen him or known him." - 1 John 3:6
There is no comfortable way to ease out of a life of sexual sin. No drawn out process of pats on the back accompanied by comments like "No one's perfect.", "God knows your desire to stop.", "You know, I struggle with it too."
Here is what the Bible says on the issue of sexual sin: STOP IT.
I won't go into all the physiological aspects of what sexual sin can do to a mind and heart. There isn't a 12 step program that will stick. Sexual sin is the only sin the Bible says to not fight, but to run in the opposite direction from. Why? Because you get close enough, and you will lose. EVERY - SINGLE - TIME.
You speed for long enough, and red, blue, and white lights will fill your rearview mirror. Except the ticket is one you won't be able to pay for.
Flee from it! "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received form God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. therefore honour God with your bodies" (1 Cor. 6:18-20)
On a personal note, to encourage you reading this, I do not look at porn. My brothers do not look at porn. It IS possible to do this. Do my eyes wander and linger for too long at billboards, commercials, magazine covers etc.? Unfortunately yes. I am straight, and I am fallen. But when these times do occur, here's what happens: I feel sick. Nauseas. And with my soul face down in the dirt, I beg God for forgiveness that I don't deserve. After I've been broken over it, I get up and try again!
But my point is this. I can say from the viewpoint of a marriage where sexual sin is at a bare minimum, that there is nothing sweeter. The benefits that come from me not looking at porn are staggering. From my own mind being free and unchained, to my love life with Christa given endless room to flourish.
"Man does not have the right, or authority to alter God's design for marriage." - V. Baucham
The book of Hebrews hits on this issue directly, "Marriage is to be held in honour among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge." (emphasis added)
There are many ways the marriage bed can be defiled, just as there are many ways it can be protected and blessed.
God has designed that a marriage or relationship covered with the puss filled sores of sexual sin will show its true colours, and the damage it has caused. It will become impossible to truly grow in love for each other.
A selfish and passionate sinful lust, for the sex that this world promises will taste so good, will have the same metaphorical effect of swallowing drano. It will rot away at your insides, at the same time take you directly out of the way for God to bless you. It will give your heart scars that will stay with you for the rest of this life. Your wife will pull away even more on account of your reckless lust, and this will become a pathetic reason to look for satisfaction elsewhere. And so the spiral goes.
BUT, if you stay away from it, and replace it with an unhindered desire for your wife (if you are married), your mind and heart will be free and clear as a freshly washed window. This does not guarantee a thriving marriage, but it makes space, a plot of land, for it to grow and take off from. Christa and I have lived through hell on earth in many ways in our almost 3 years of marriage, but I can say with full confidence that there is nothing more satisfying then doing things the right way. God's way.
This also makes it possible for sex within marriage to surpass any photo-shopped plastic fantasy the Playboy channel can conjure up for the masses.
Within the commitment of marriage, which only real men and women should attempt, sex has potential to be hotter then...well I'll stop there for now. But what I'm trying to say is this, it's WORTH it!
For you single guys, here is my advice. Practice being married. What do I mean by that? Simply this: Get in the habits NOW of doing what God desires for you, and the habits that your wife will find unbelievably attractive and irresistible. Whatever is lacking in your character as a man, will be magnified tenfold once you're married, and vise versa.
If you are not trained and ready before the altar, "Happily Ever After" will chew you up, and spit you out.
But I beg you, do not believe the lies you hear about "the meat market" of dating being all that it's cracked up to be. It offers nothing of value. Nothing you will want to show off to future generations. At the end of the night, you will have nothing but heart wrenching regrets that will haunt you. If you are in this life of sin, and you don't have regrets, then it is very close to being too late for you. But with God nothing is unsalvageable.
You single guys, practice not spending pointless and purposeless time and energy with women you shouldn't be, to appease your boredom, curiosity, or your complete lack of self control. God has designed men and woman to be either very single, or very married.
Focus on becoming a real man. A man of God, willing to stand alone. And sometimes that is very alone.
Matthew 5:48 "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."
Now, no one will actually attain perfection, not even close as we are incapable of the thing, but we are commanded to strive for it anyway! To continually become more like Jesus Christ. Acts 24:16 "So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man."
And Paul writes these inspired words around 60 A.D. from a culture so soaked in every conceivable sin. He also writes, "That is why we labor and strive, because we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Saviour of all people, and especially to those who believe."
The more you protect the garden of marriage, the results it will produce and continue producing, will be second to none and worth all the effort.
Back to husbandry. Other than dying for a belief in Jesus Christ, the Bible does not call a husband to die for anything, except his wife. Not his job. Not his friends. Not his "ministry". Not even his children. As graphic as the analogy is, if there was ever a time when a husband could only save one member of his family, God makes it clear who it should be.
This paints the picture of just how seriously God takes the union of marriage. The arena of marriage is the most practical and purposeful way a man and woman can live out what Christ did for us. Marriage has more potential then anything else, to shape a person to become more like the person of Jesus Christ. It will purge you, change you, and reward you. It is very similar to working out and training at the gym. Sometimes it is the last thing you feel like doing, and it can be so painful. But if you "workout" in the way one should, there is no way anyone in their right mind would trade the results! These painful character changes, make real joy and happiness within marriage possible.
Let me ask you something. What would make a guy smile more at the end of a day: Working so hard all day that we was totally exhausted and spent at the end of it? Or, a day spent in boxers watching TV re-runs? I find this very interesting because everything and everyone around us is telling us to treat romance like a lazy bum who spends his days grazing on snacks and just killing time. So why complain about the results of this emotional "work ethic" towards marriage?
Marriage is a lot like a whirlpool. Getting the current and flow of the water up to a cruising speed takes a lot of effort. But once it's there, you can enjoy the fruits of your labor as the water carries you along. But if you don't put in the effort to keep the flow of water moving, you will come to a halt, and become stagnant in a pool of slimy water. And looking around for excuses and someone else to blame will inevitably follow.
But getting it clean and flowing again, will take ten times the effort as keeping it going would. But the goal isn't to just reach cruising speed and just stay there. No, there really is no cap on just how good a marriage can get.
Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It is designed to consume you; with no where to run. But here's the beautiful thing, you shouldn't want to run. As a husband, your wife should be your full-time pursuit, greatest passion, and most fulfilling joy.
If you are married and you want out for purely selfish reasons, then I'm afraid that you are the one that needs to consider changing. You do not realize the treasures that lay within marriage.
To say marriage is without effort, is an understatement. You cannot climb Mt. Kilimanjaro without intense training and preperation. But without this, you will never experience the unexplainable joy from reaching the summit. Success at marriage is the sweetest success in this life.
What is the alternative? Well, it boils down to a life spent getting as many selfish desires met as possible before you die. How sad, and pitiful...
But even with all the blessings and rewards God has designed for a self-sacrificing marriage to produce, "rewards" and "success" should not be the main motive for doing so. The motive behind this type of love, that it is stronger and more fierce than anything else, is not found in someone. It is only found in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ; I will explain.
There is a story in the Bible of a man who owed a ton of money. His credit card debt was more than he could ever hope to pay off. He went to the person he owed this huge lump sum to, and begged for more time. The wealthy lender said he was to sell off all his stuff, and be put in debtors prison until he paid everything back (even though it was impossible). The man fell on his face begging for mercy; for more time. The lender for some reason felt compassion, and actually forgave the debt. This was like winning the lottery for the man! He should feel as light as a feather.
He went back to his day-to-day life and came across a man who owed him a few hundred bucks. He called in the debt from the man. This man begged for more time!
But this recent "lottery winner" wouldn't hear it, and had the man thrown into debtors prison over this small debt. The wealthy lender got wind of this, and called the man he had forgiven, back into his office. The wealthy lender was furious! No amount of begging this time would salvage this man's mistake; he was thrown into debtor's prison. Game over.
This analogy sums up, in a significant way, what the attitude of the heart should be within marriage. How dare we call in small debts from each other, when God has forgiven amounts we have no hope or prayer of paying back!?! If one realizes even to a small extent, just how much he has been forgiven, how can he not turn around to those around him and be able to forgive the wrongs against him? Especially his wife!
I recently talked to a man who has been happily married for over 25 years, raised kids who have not self-destructed their lives, and I asked him what would be the main advice he would give regarding marriage. He said this, "First, don't hold onto grudges! And second, if you say this is just the way the way I am and I can't change. No it's not! Just change! I.e. If one of you has a bathroom habit the other doesn't like, just stop it. Change! It's not worth it; you gain nothing from it. Put the other ahead of yourself." He went on to say this, "The doctrine of the total depravity of man is the most liberating truth for man, and for marriage."
The "doctrine of total depravity" basically means this: Every single person is not basically good, but basically evil. This doesn't mean everyone is as bad as they could be, but no one is good enough to get to Heaven on their own merits. There is nothing anyone can do to help themselves spiritually. No way to erase sin once it's committed. God says this spiritual sin debt, is enough debt for an eternity in Hell. Romans 3 "There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one." And later in chapter 6, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus."
Jesus said in the book of John, "Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin." (emphasis added)
You may not agree with the idea that humans are basically evil, not basically good. But think about this analogy I once heard from a lecturer speaking to a 500 person student body, "You may think you are a good person, but if I could hook up your mind's eye to a projector, and play for everyone here to see all the thoughts you've had over the last 24 hours, you wouldn't show your face on this campus again." I kinda laughed when I first heard this, but I was forced to agree with his point.
I catch something people say and believe, in my peripheral sometimes as I'm on the internet, reading a book, or hearing people talk while I'm in town. It generally goes something like this, "Everyone deserves to be loved", or, "You don't deserve that to happen to you." Whether someone deserves something or not I don't know, but what I do know is that no one deserves love, or to be loved in this life. We as sinful humans do not deserve anything truly good. We have the desire to love and be loved, but because of our sin, it is not something we are owed in this life. What we are owed, is eternal punishment for the sin we choose to commit against God.
Anything we get, or do that is "good" is only because of God, and anything we do that is evil comes from our very own wicked hearts.
Why is this the most freeing concept for mankind, and in this case for marriage? Because it means life does not start, revolve, or end with us. This is (or it should be) extremely humbling, and purpose giving.
To know that what we do or don't do, is not what our "worth" is measured by. To have the heart comprehend that it is only because of Jesus Christ that anything we do, is of any value or worth, is so freeing... I love my wife out of the love that Christ has for me. Even in the infant stages of grasping this truth, it is enough to transform a life, and also a marriage. Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives,"
This Christ calls me to lay my life down for my wife, so I do it gladly. Some days it is like riding on cloud 9 as things are just so amazing, and other days my selfishness fights every inch of the idea, but the command remains unchanged; so I do it regardless of how I feel. If you are married to a believing wife, then you are married to one of God's daughters. You mistreat her, you mistreat His possession. If this is consistently the case, be very afraid.
If you are a believer, and your spouse isn't, the Bible makes it clear what your role is in this situation, "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (Peter wrote these words)
But in a thriving and successful marriage by God's standards, how you treat your spouse is NOT dependent on how they treat YOU. There is never an excuse to not love her; because your relationship isn't based, or even built on each other. Neither one of you, is the standard by which your marriage is measured. The standard is Jesus Christ.
If Christ is not the standard, then excuses are plentiful.
"She doesn't respect me, so I'm not going to love her as much as I could."
"He doesn't pay any attention to me, so I'm not going to respect or serve him as much."
Or the all too popular line of thinking, "At least I'm not like _____. Man, compared to that loser I'm doing great!" Human comparisons is such a dangerous and pathetic way to gage how well you are doing in marriage; or anything in life.
Just to go on record, in the cases of physical, sexual , and other extreme abuse in marriage, there is another route one should take, and this post will not delve into those (I would encourage you speak with someone you respect very much, and is follow the Lord). But for the majority of marriages where these extreme situations are not taking place, the attitude should be far from, "I'll treat you a certain way, as long as you treat me a certain way." Marriage is a unchanging call to love each other; even when they don't meet all your expectations and "conditions".
It is easier to be successful at many things in life, other than marriage. Career, status, church, social image and friends. But to have a thriving marriage is a whole other ball game.
Even though I have yet to become a father, I want to touch on a couple things regarding family and husbandry and how they work together. I mentioned earlier that if there ever came a time when the man could only save one member of his family, the Bible makes it clear that his wife is who he should rescue. Although this situation is very rarely played out for any husband and father, it points to a few critical elements regarding priority within family structure.
I'll give an example that played out with my family years back with my mom and dad. One of my brothers and I were 18 and 19 respectively, and we were in the process of buying motorbikes. Very, very, fast motorbikes. So, even though at the beginning of this process mom and dad were on board as dad had one growing up, and they knew we were fairly responsible guys.
We needed their approval at this point in life, because we were still living under their roof. Fair enough. So the spring day came when we had finished our safety course, all licensed, and ready to pick out some speed machines with some saved up money. Needless to say, mom began to panic around this time, and the whole motorcycle endeavour went back to the drawing board. We had a few very intense "conversations" as dad was still alright with the idea, but mom was threatening to move if we went through with it. Dad, as man of the house, laid it out something like this, "I'm fine with you guys getting bikes, but since your mom and I are going to be married for the rest of our lives I will be living with her, not you. So until you move out, no motorbikes."
I will never forgot that talk because I saw something that is crucial to a thriving marriage. When it came to it, dad did not hesitate about putting his wife (our mom), well above us as the kids in priority. This should be case of married people all through the growing up years of their kids. My wife, Christa was blessed in this same way growing up. Her folks would constantly plan date nights, or alone time through the years where their kids would not be included, but take a "backseat" for awhile.
Some might think the kids would be hurt, or feel betrayed by this type of attitude. That could not be further from the truth. What does make a child's (at any age really) world spin out of control, and implant such dread in their hearts, is just the idea of their parents splitting up.
See, we knew mom and dad were not going anywhere; they put their marriage one ring above their kids on the ladder of life, and as a result filled us four boys with such security and peace of mind. The world is a very scary place, so kids desperately need a safe place as a home base. The only way to build an environment with this level of security for a child to grow in, is through a SOLIDmarriage. You take away a child's sense of security within the family, and it becomes damage control, and a steep uphill climb in life from that point on...
Those types of scars never fully fade away.
A solid marriage will give the kids a first hand look at what they should train and wait for. A daughter will recognize a sorry excuse for a male species from a mile off, if she has a dad who has exemplified what it is to be a real man. The statistics are worse then I thought on daughters following in their parents faults. They are FAR more likely to get into abusive, alcoholic, or overall losing relationships if that was the case with her dad.
(If you were wondering what happened with the bikes, once we told mom we wouldn't get them for her sake, she actually changed her mind. We rode for a few magical years with no injuries, only some scraped paint and pride. We brothers all look forward to riding bikes again one day! Although, I'm not sure if I will let my future kids ride them:))
Another sad reality I see being played out more and more often in today's God depraved world, is in marriage and families where the man or woman doesn't have the correct motivation for loving their spouse, and inevitably they end up looking elsewhere. For women with children, it often looks like getting all their emotional needs met by her kids (or soap operas, Tv shows, sleazy books and magazines) instead of her husband. Kids are not built to be able to handle that. By the man not stepping up and loving his bride, it leaves many doors open for her to spiral downward. Affairs commonly plague these types of marriages. This is not an excuse for the woman, but a common reason.
Marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman that needs to be defended so fiercely. Especially in today's day and age. And more often than not, this will bring odd looks and even ridicule from our culture i.e. friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. The ways a marriage can be picked apart, damaged, or diluted like Kool-Aid, is truly frightening. What is currently considered "normal" is so far from what is right. I have yet to see a healthy marriage where the husband or wife invests extended time and/or emotional energy with someone from the opposite sex who they are obviously not married to.
Texting, e-mails, going for coffee or dinner, does not seem to be considered the self-destructing activities that they are, for someone who is married to be doing.
Some of you know this, but I deleted all non-family females off of my Facebook account when Christa and I first got married, and she had done the same previously after being convicted about it, with the guys on her Facebook. We came to this decision on our own separately, and looking back after almost 3 years of marriage, it was a great move towards protecting our invaluable relationship. Other examples might that we have chosen to not have extended phone calls with people of the opposite sex (who we're not related to obviously), go for coffee, or be in any situation that would have potential, or even appear to have the potential for "sparks to fly".
You might be thinking we don't trust each other, and have to be completely in control of the other person for our marriage to function. That could not be further from the truth. You see, it is because of these "extreme" measures and attitudes we have decided to take that allow for our relationship to continue growing unhindered. We trust each other implicitly; and I know in my heart of hearts that Christa would not betray me in any possible situation to any degree. And I know it is the same for Christa regarding myself.
What do I possibly have to gain from deep "friendships" with the opposite sex? What do I really lose by pursuing my bride to the exclusion of all others? I'm OK with ridicule if it comes with the territory of a solid marriage.
If you wanted to continue flirting and getting attention (that may not be what it's defined as, but that's what it is), you should have stayed single. I find the habits one has with regards to relationships, age is no exception, with the opposite sex before marriage, always continue on after the altar, but with more devastating fallout.
The world mocks this level of protectiveness over marriage, because the truth is, societies' idea of marriage is not worth protecting.
Most people seem to view marriage like a stock on Wall Street. Once it stops "producing", sell it.
I do however find it strange that even though most people don't claim to see any harm in these types of so-called friendly relationships, they do however see a problem with officially cheating on your spouse. They can't deny the emotional aftermath that always comes from being sexually unfaithful. Even though these adulterous relationships are always preceded by, relative to the final act of sex, small but generally accepted incidences. This is like complaining about driving into a cement wall after two dozen signs warned you it was coming.
"And the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What God has joined together, let no man separate." - The Son of God
Does the Bible say it's sin for a married man to have coffee with another woman? No, of course not. The Bible doesn't command you not to walk straight into a pole either. Some things are just dumb. Or even partially stupid, but still stupid nonetheless. They beg the question, "What exactly did you think was going to happen?"
The Bible does command us to not get drunk and to not commit adultery, so why would I want to take the first steps down a road I know has a fatal ending? These commands are not to keep us from having fun, but to keep us from falling! Would you occasionally let your 8 year old boy steer your car as you drive through town? Probably not; because one day when you're not looking he's going to go for a joyride right into the side of Wal-Mart.
No, the reality is we want to do, what we want to do. And we want it now. This is why there is not a lot of tiny commands in the New Testament, because our wicked hearts would desperately to try and find loopholes. This is why Jesus said in the book of Matthew, "'You have heard it said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' (Ex. 20:14) But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.'" Jesus raises the bar so high that no one can get over it. He wipes out any, and every potential loophole.
I have written a more extensive post previous to this one explaining in much greater detail my reasoning behind the notion that men can just be fiends with women. It's titled, "Why Can't We Just Stay Friends?"
Paul wrote such profound truth in regards to a husband's role and responsibility to his wife..."Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her," (Eph. 5)
These are just a few words, but the meaning within this command is completely life altering. If one were to take this verse literally as it was intended to be, it would transform most marriages today; for several reasons.
The Bible calls a man to lay down his life for his wife. Now, dying for your wife is easy in my opinion. It's living for her that is the all consuming challenge. Is this an extreme view on marriage? Absolutely. The Bible also teaches this is a realistic view. Does this mean your wife has a free pass to walk all over you? No. It means that what you want, is a far second to what she needs. Period.
This is why a boy should never get married, or be in any type of romantic relationship; no mater how old he is. If you are a male, and if the only calluses you have are from your X-Box controller, you have no business getting to know a woman. You are not ready for the great role of leading one.
If your dad still pays some of your bills, or your mom needs to monitor your credit cards, you have no business getting to know a woman. As of today, if you cannot stand independently from your parents emotionally, financially, or especially spiritually, and you are in a romantic relationship, stop. If you are currently in a dating relationship where you are not ready to take on the job of being a husband immediately, then you need to end it. Why? Because you are doing irreparable damage to yourself and your girlfriend. I can guarantee you have already slipped up in your sexual purity, and if you continue down the road you're on, more regrets will follow that you will have to explain to whoever you get married to.
If you are already married there's still hope, but a lot of work to be done. But most importantly, if you cannot lead a woman spiritually, you have no business pursuing one.
Moses writes in Genesis, "This is why a man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." Notice the key word there, man, not boy.
To Biblically love a woman is the culmination of so many processes a boy goes through (hopefully) to become a man.
"When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things." (1 Cor. 13)
When a boy first realizes that he likes girls, that does not mean it's time to start dating. It should be the opposite. It's time for him to begin training and preparing to take care of and lead a woman one day. Not learning one liners to get some action.
To you girls and women who may be reading this, if you are in a relationship with a boy, please, I beg you, stop enabling him. Your high hopes for his potential change, I'm sorry to say, will not materialize. The all too common, "Well, at least he's not *fill in the blank*" is not good enough.
Please stop giving him the benefits of manhood, with all the comforts of boyhood, when he has not taken up the responsibility of real manhood.
HE - HAS - NOT - EARNED - IT
If he is not ready now, then by staying with him, you guarantee that he never will be; even if you plan, hope, and manipulate him to the alter. What motivation does he really have to grow up?
Nothing magical happens at the front of a church during the exchange of vows. No pixie dust that can make you fly. Your wedding day is the starting line to a hopefully long, and wonderful three-legged race. But if you are tied to a boy, you will end up in a twisted pile of human wreckage, that you will most likely drag along for the duration of your marriage. Does this imagery scare you? It should. It happens all the time.
Please end your misguided course towards some idea of happiness you have in your head. Get out while you still can. It may be one of the most difficult and painful things you do in your lifetime, but it will also rank it as one of the best things you could have done.
Do not settle. If you are in this type of relationship that I'm describing, then it probably means you did not have a solid example in your father you could look to for some idea of what a real man looks like, which just as importantly gives you an idea of what kind of guy to avoid; and he will answer to God for that. But in the meantime get out of your current excuse for a romantic relationship, and focus on getting a very clear idea of what a real man looks like and how to prepare for him, then wait for him. They are out there. He will find you. This is your life, that you are responsible for. Don't blow it.
For a surface level example, some of the best basketball players today in the U.S., making millions and playing in the highest leagues possible, were found in the middle of the Congo, in Africa.
Another aspect of being in a romantic relationship where God is not the head of, is this: the person you're involved with becomes too important. What I mean by that is, even though your wife (or husband to you ladies) is the most important person in your life, there are some things a spouse is not designed to fulfill and satisfy. Life cannot begin and end with your girlfriend or wife. They cannot be your god.
If your life and marriage is not built on Christ, then it is built on something, or someone else. All of their identity and happiness comes from that one person. This way of life has many fatal flaws in it. In his Pulitzer Prize winning book, Ernest Becker writes this,
"The self-glorification that [modern man] needed in his innermost nature he now looked for in the love partner. the love partner becomes the divine ideal within which to fulfill one's life. Spiritual and moral needs now become focused on one individual."
You could also fill this lack of significance with work or career goals. He goes on to write,
"[Sometimes] his work has to carry the burden of justifying him. What does "justifying" mean?...He lives the fantasy of the control of life and death, of destiny. No human relationship can bear [this] burden of godhood... If your partner is your "All" then any shortcoming in him becomes a major threat to you... What is that we want when we elevate the love partner to this position? We want to be rid of...our feeling of nothingness...to know our existence has not been in vain. We want redemption - nothing less. Needless to say, humans cannot give this."
Writing this has taken a lot longer than I had hoped; partly because Christa has had to take two especially traumatic ambulance rides in January, as well as dozens of brutal days scattered throughout the last couple months that have kept my mind and heart totally occupied with survival. I have sat down to write, and only been able to get a few sentences down before either, Christa needed me for medical reasons, or I realized I was far too emotionally spent to get anything coherent "down on paper". This post has been written in dozens of sittings. I have edited it, but if two parts do not seem to flow together, please let me know. Thank you for being patient for this write-up, if you had been waiting for it.
WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG?
Unending bliss, a prison cell, a journey, a backup plan, a ball and chain, paradise, a constant war.
These are all words that could, fortunately or unfortunately, easily describe marriage. The word 'marriage', currently has a vast array of different meanings to people nowadays. The words "I DO", have carried less and less weight with each passing generation. They are often, sooner or later followed by the words "I DON'T". The vows taken at the alter have become nothing more than lip service for the "old fashioned" family members you don't want to upset any longer by continuing to sleep together without wedding bands on.
The sources to which people look to for guidance in the world of love range from Oprah and Dr. Phil, to Google search engines and newspaper horoscopes, to your divorced friend's advice...
When a guy is getting married, phrases start to circulate like "ball and chain", "another one bites the dust", and "enjoy the last days of freedom!"
Is this really how the majority views marriage? That before you resign yourself to one woman, you better suck all the juice out of life while you still can, because soon enough you won't be able to enjoy anything!? If a couple appears happy, it is often assumed they are very newlyweds, or just starting their relationship.
God did not design the wedding band to be chains and irons that shackle, confine, and limit you from enjoying life. In fact it is the opposite. Marriage can activate your personal freedom, and make life infinitely sweeter.
So why then does the stereotypical marriage end up something like this?
(Courtesy of Herman Comics)
It is a sad fact, but most marriages are spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. So much so, that survival has become the focus and the ultimate aspiration of the couple. The notion of a couple being strong and healthy enough as a unit to be able to help others can seem absurd. How can a married couple possibly give anything of themselves to others when their marriage is always in damage control mode? All energy and effort is focused on themselves. Not the great adventure marriage can be is it?
Young people are encouraged to stay single as long as possible, and enjoy the benefits of the single lifestyle. In Christian circles young people are told they are more pleasing to God as a single person. The attitude is go, serve the community all you can before it's too late and your "spiritual effectiveness" gets cut in half at the altar.
Yes, things do, and should change when you get married, obviously. But nothing along these lines; not even close.
96% of men get married, and 94% of women do so; but marriage seems to be the endeavour that far more often than not, people fail at. The stats on divorce, and general discontentment within marriage, are higher in human history then ever before. "Common Law" unions, or single life, haven't proved to be any more successful (See previous post on dating, for links to the surveys). We are obviously doing something very wrong, but why is there no change in the air? We seemed determined to repeat our mistakes.
One of the definitions of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. Yet, this is exactly what most people are doing in the world of so called romance. If someone were to drop down onto planet earth, at age 24 lets say, with no biases or preconceived ideas of anything, he would look around at how people are living their lives to get an idea of how he should live out his own life. His logical next step would be to examine the lives of the people who are thriving, and in turn, imitate them. But we seem to do the very opposite.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it would appear that over and over again, people are doing exactly what their friends, predecessors, and peers have done, despite the complete lack of contentment and the obvious emotional disarray of their lives. Of course, we are free to decide for ourselves what paths we will take, but what happens along that path is completely out of our hands once we've started down it; but the consequences still remain totally on us.
If you were extremely sore and bleeding from the side of your head, but couldn't figure out why, and someone came along and pointed out that every time you heard a song play you would grab your iPod and hit yourself in the head with it, would you keep doing it? Well, in the world of relationships, sex, family, and romance, that's exactly what most people do. They choose to keep hitting themselves with the iPod, but still moan and complain about the inevitable results that follow.
Currently, if a man has been married for longer than 3-5 years, doesn't beat, abuse, or threaten his wife or kids, is in fact employed, then he is considered a standup husband. Any other shortcomings are immediately overlooked and accepted. Why? Because the social standard for a real man, a real husband, and a father, has been dragged so pathetically low, that anything resembling the long lost genuine article, is more than a woman or anyone could possibly expect, right?
One story I heard will always stick with me. The man told it something like this: "I was on a flight and I got into a conversation with the man I was sitting next to. After a little while he turned and asked me what I did. I answered, 'I'm a husband.' He said, 'No, I mean what do you DO?' I answered, 'I'm a father.' He then said, 'No, I meant what do you do for a living?' I answered, 'Does it matter?'"
I love this story because it hits a very touchy nerve in our culture. Our purpose and satisfaction is supposed to come from careers and status; not the role of a man before God. Because at the end of the day, if you fail as a husband and/or father before God, what does a career really matter?
Marriage is a lot like the US dollar right now. It's value is dropping, and dropping fast because of this: Unbelievable amounts of cheap money (relationships) are being printed at a record rate because people want what they want, and they want it now. We want a new vehicle, 5 star vacations, and we want sex now, with only verbal I.O.U.'s as equity. Financial, and in this analogy, emotional debt piles up. This inevitably lowers the value of everything else, and in this case, marriage.
Instead of marriage being a fortress: a place of strength and comfort and an arena from which to face the world head on together, it is now often a place of strife, unhealthy conflict, and emotional inbreeding, let alone an example for others. Damage control is the name of the game. The garden of marriage where joy and growth should be happening, is substituted for a plot of ground where the body, heart, and soul whither away to a dried skeleton of long lost dreams.
I am not sure what you may be thinking at this point, but it may be that marriage can be fairly morbid and depressing. Well, yes it can actually. You might be saying, "You don't know my wife, she's a total wench."
And she very well may be. But if your woman is a total delight, praise God. If she is quite difficult, praise God. Either way your life has no more or less purpose. Your role as her husband does not change. Your purpose and mission as a man is not happiness. It's to do the will of God. And His will is not hidden like an Easter egg hunt. It's laid out clearly in Scripture. The truth is, we just don't like what it says.
But just as realistically, it can be the most wonderful and purposeful endeavor you could ever dream of. It takes effort; lots of it.
So what should realistic expectations of marriage be? Is there even a right way to go through life and marriage? Where does one look for the correct definition, blueprint, and genuine examples of what real love, and real marriage look like? Where should one look? Should you expect to lose all your independency in marriage, and give up a life of enjoyment? Weekends with the boys now replaced with hours spent at art museums? I will get to this later in the post. See video for a funny, but unfortunately true depiction of most marriages, and what is applauded.
Marriage can be the most unforgiving reflection of your character, and who you really are. This can be viewed as a negative reality, or a brilliant design within marriage.
My last three posts on manhood and dating, in a sense, will be wrapped up in this one, as marriage is the ultimate culmination of genuine manhood, and pursuing a woman in a Godly way. There is no greater challenge, privilege, or purpose for a man in this life than marriage.
If you haven't already, I would be honored if you would read my posts previous to this one (on manhood and dating), as they will give you a clearer view of where I am coming from as I write this post.
I honestly do not have the expectation that everyone reading this will or should agree with me, as I am only a man, but my hope is to provide you with a better idea of my thought processes regarding marriage.
I am not a big fan of making assumptions, or forcing beliefs to work. I have intensely looked into the issues I've written about and hope to put "pen to paper" about in the future. I do my best to explain and give reason for the statements I make, as writing is a one way street of sorts. The reader cannot have an ongoing discussion with the writer about what he is, or isn't saying with his words (maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much:)). If you have questions or comments, feel free to post them at the bottom.
To explain the reasons for what I believe about something, is more for myself than anyone else. I don't really care if something is considered old fashioned or modern in how society views it; I am concerned with whether it is true or not.
Life is very short, and very precious. To live and believe a lie, even a partial and especially one that is applauded, is in every way a waste... at best.
The topic of marriage is so deep and extensive, that I have no hope of covering all of it in one post (that is assuming I actually knew it all). So what I've decided to do, is take off from my previous platform of write-ups on manhood and dating, and write about marriage from what I know. Outlining the truths I've found as I tell "our story".
This may sound like an obvious choice, but writing from my life and perspective is both very personal and a risk; as it will give you, the reader, a in-depth viewpoint on my difficult journeys of the mind, and struggles of the heart. But to be honest, that is OK with me.
MY REASONS FOR WHAT I BELIEVE
"What then is the moral-spiritual reality we must acknowledge to thrive? What is the environment that liberates us if we confine ourselves to it, like water liberates fish? Love. Love is the most liberating freedom-loss of all. One of the principles of love - either love for a friend or romantic love - is that you have to lose independency to attain greater intimacy. If you want the "freedoms" of love - the fulfillment, security, sense of worth that it brings - you must limit your freedom in many ways. You cannot enter a deep relationship and still make unilateral decisions or allow your friend or lover no say in how you live your life. To experience the joy and freedom of love, you must give up your personal autonomy...and yet healthy love relationships involve mutual, unselfish service, a mutual loss of independence."
- Timothy Keller
And this next quote is from a man who married later in life, but lost his wife to cancer after only a few years of marriage.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything an your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries...lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"
- Clive S. Lewis
So where have I decided to go to for the ultimate authority on marriage? I do not care whether something is from ancient history, or fresh off of societies presses, I will say it again: What I am concerned most with, is if something is TRUE or not.
The Word of God is my ultimate "filter" for which I pass all my beliefs, significant or small, through.
I, nor any other human, is the final authority on whether something is true or not. I have chosen the Bible as my blueprints for life, for very thought out rationale. The Bible does not help me deal with reality, it defines reality.
I do not have enough faith to be an atheist. Although, my desire to not be accountable, makes the willful ignorance of a higher power and authority, very appealing some days. Yes, God cannot be proven scientifically, but He also cannot be disproven scientifically. The further you go into science, you see order. Unbelievable, mind blowing order of things. From the planets to cell life. All perfect and very much not self-destructing. The laws of thermodynamics state that on its own, order can only produce disorder. What is more logical to believe, that everything came from nothing, or a from an all powerful creator? You run evolution, in this case, to it's basic fundamentals, and something had to come from something, or someone at some point.
"What's true for me, may not be true for you.", or "You believe what you want, and I'll believe what I want." just does not work. It's not even logical. Human opinion vs. human opinion can be such an endless argument and waste of time. As people, we tend to baulk at that, but we are the creation, not creator. We can not alter moral "gravity" just because we want to, or think we can.
For example, one person's truth is that cruelty is fine and acceptable, while to another, it is a reviling concept. Then, allow these two people to live out their beliefs in the same room, and the problem with relative truth becomes obvious.
If we were truly in control, as many believe we are, then why can't we even control our own bodies? I.e. Can you deliberately stop your heart from beating for even 3 seconds? Or hold your breath for over 10 minutes? No, the truth is, we are in control of very little; and even what we can control and choose, has been granted to us by God, and only God.
Consequences however, are never in our control. We are free to walk onto a freeway, have an affair, or lie to a friend, but the results of these choices are not in our control.
If I'm honest, there are a few things I don't like that the Bible teaches; but that does not make them untrue, or provide enough reason not to believe and obey it. And I have found that most people believe that if they cannot fully grasp a certain concept, then it must not be true. This is a dangerous stance to take on some issues.
I.e. I can't believe in God because science doesn't prove him. Let's assume that position is true. Science is not meant to measure and calculate the immaterial, only the material. Science can't prove or disprove anything from the spiritual or immaterial realm. It is the incorrect "ruler" to measure it with. This is not good reasoning. Or to take a position like this, "There is some truth from every religion." This assumes that the speaker knows everything there is to know about everything; that they have the ultimate perspective to look at religions from. This of course is not the case of any human being.
I have not found even close to enough scientific, historical, valid or logical basis with which to turn my back on what the Bible says. The Bible is by far and away, the most accurate and reliable piece of literature in antiquity.
How many manuscripts are there of Julius Caesar's Gallic Wars? Ten. The earliest copies written 900 years after the fact.
And how many copies of Aristotle's Poetics? Five. Found over 1300 years later.
How about Herodutus? Less than ten.
Plato? 1300 years later and only 7 copies.
Homer's work? 600+ copies and 2100 years later; and even authentic authorship is not sure.
The New Testament? 6000 manuscripts. Some copies from 120 years after the fact.
These are from eye witnesses written down between 60 and 100 AD. If in a court case, during the time the the New Testament was written, even two witnesses disagreed over something, the case would get thrown out. This is just how heavily weighted the testimony of a witness was. http://books.google.ca/books?id=hWkoFOvbWW4C&pg=PA322&lpg=PA322&dq=roman+court+case+two+witnesses&source=bl&ots=-E9COWpZgB&sig=tIQ9FfNwALTvRrkZ72YHuLIFr1Y&hl=en&ei=w8KqTc3YIOPeiAKbhaHvDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=roman%20court%20case%20two%20witnesses&f=false
If the Bible was really full of myths, made-up stories, and partial lies, there were no shortage of people of all social positions willing and ready to point out the error. Why did no one point anything out? Because there was nothing to point to as false, and there were thousands of eye witnesses they would have to deal with. Any attacks on the earliest manuscripts would never reach the surface because they had nothing to stand on, despite plenty of motivation for some to try.
If the Bible was truly a human fabrication born for the purpose of human power, there would be no mistakes. By "mistakes" I mean that the Bible has many small details that don't match up perfectly, i.e. one account says there was two bystanders, while another says there was three. What was witnessed, matches up flawlessly, but small details like this sometimes don't. Or, that the sun stood still for the Israelites during a battle. Things were recorded mostly from a human perspective. So to a human perspective the sun would appear to remain still, as opposed to the earth pausing on it's rotation of the sun. But this of course doesn't mean it didn't happen.
This proves divine inspiration more than not, as a conspiracy wouldn't allow for these types of "errors". Editors of a conspiracy through the years wouldn't miss things like that.
A common argument, is that the Bible has been translated so many times that it can't be held as trustworthy. This has significant holes in it. For example, when you go to develop pictures from film, do you bring the original for printing, or previously printed copies to scan and re-print? The original film, obviously. To print, scan, re-print, scan, etc. etc. would of course result in lower quality. This is why you would always bring the original film to make more copies.
The same is true when translating the Bible. As long as the original texts are used, then it remains 100% reliable. (I have found this argument is used by people who are not necessarily lacking intellectual ability, but have heard it from someone else, and took it as face value instead of looking into it for themselves.)
On asked why he believes the Bible, V. Baucham said this, "It's a reliable collection of historical documents written by eye witnesses during the lifetime of other eye witnesses. They report supernatural events that took place in fulfillment of specific prophesies, and claim their writings divine, rather than human in origin...The Bible teaches authority, to a world of autonomy."
I say all this to give a quick backdrop to where I write from, my source of reasoning, hope, and purpose behind the human existence called life. Thank you for following along. This hopefully gives a brief idea of the rationale behind what my reasoning is behind the conclusions I have come to regarding marriage. I do not believe anyone should have blind faith in the Bible. It would be great to add in more information, archeological finds, the scientific methods for determining accuracy regarding history, but I want to dedicate the rest of this post to the issue of marriage. If this issue of whether the Bible is truly reliable or not interests you, then this very comprehensive "lecture" on the overall accuracy of the Bible through history, including the arguments such as human error, translation inconsistency, historical documents, and archaeological digs will fascinate you as it did me. http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=330111212288
There is more then enough scientific and historical facts to build a very real trust in what the Bible says to be accurate. At a very real point, faith comes into the picture; but it is built on trust. Whether the word 'faith' is used or not, every single person has it. To believe there is no god for example, cannot be proven. That belief and perspective takes a lot of faith. This is why I could never be an atheist. Logically, I can not build up the faith required to really believe that.
"To stay away from Christianity because part of the Bible's teaching is offensive to you, assumes that if there is a God, He wouldn't have any views that upset you, right? Does this make sense?"
- from the book 'Reason for God'
But as Sir Winston Churchill said,
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
Yes, truth can be a stark reality at times, but even so, it is a freeing thing.
The case for the authority of Scripture can defend itself quite easily, but Truth seems to have few close friends. It is much safer to seek the truth, than to actually find it. Because once found, truth demands the finder to bend the knee to it. It is the authority, and the bar to which all humanity is accountable to. The sinful human heart burns against this. We hate the idea of being accountable.
We tend to quickly run towards the human opinion that Scripture is "narrow minded" (which, if you really think about it, is a very narrow minded view in itself; but that's for another post), but who are we to question God? Who are we to think we have the highest bird's eye view on life?
A master owes his slave no explanation, or any reasoning for his decisions.
I always want to be teachable. To be confident in what I believe yes, but be willing to undergo even the most severe scrutiny and examination; because that is what I strive to do to the truth, and the veracity of what I believe. I have the most to lose if I'm wrong.
To be teachable seems to have become a long lost art, pursuit, and even desire of the mind and heart. Learning can be very humbling, as it can only happen by admitting you were wrong, or didn't know something. I do not claim to have all the answers, but what I DO know, I am confident in as I have come to these conclusions by being willing to be wrong about my currently held beliefs as I have examined the most important issues in this life...
WHEN LIFE HITS THE FAN
Now, on to the issue at hand. Marriage!
To be honest, in my years leading up to marriage I thought I had a decent grasp on what it meant to be a solid husband. And looking back I suppose I wasn't too far off, as great examples of successful marriages have been all around me for as long as I can remember; so the basics were hard to miss, but I was in for a steep learning curve.
A month before Christa's and my wedding day, I was at work building something or other (I'm a Journeyman Carpenter), and I was listening to a sermon on my iPod by Paul Washer out of the U.S. on the very topic of marriage. http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=7708223601
About half way through his talk, I stopped cutting and put the saw down. I do not consider myself to be an overly emotional guy, but something hit me very deeply that day. I had never heard marriage be explained or laid out this way.
I just stood there; not moving and fairly stunned for at least 15 minutes.
To try and condense what had hit me was this: Marriage is the most high stakes game you could possibly play in this life. Being a husband is the most all-consuming, risky, intensive, and purposeful endeavor a man can take on in this life. To be a real husband means sacrificing all of yourself, all the time. These are not just chivalrous words to be at most, chased after. You willingly sign over all your rights, for the sake of your bride. Marriage is not a part time job. It is not a 40 hour a week commitment.
Marriage has to the potential to continually rip the selfishness right out of you. Your faults can be magnified tenfold, but so can your strengths.
Imagine the carnal, prebuilt selfishness in you as the casing to a grenade; and marriage is when you pull the pin.
I had no idea just how many opportunities I would have for these truths to come into play in my life in the very near future.
Christa and I got married in the summer of 2008; a year to the day that we first met. I suppose that is fairly quick for some, but I had my mind made up a few months into the relationship:)
Christa's health had been very up and down in the year and half before we got married, but despite the lack of a correct diagnosis, we decided to get married as she seemed to be slowly improving. There was no turning back for these two love birds!
Our two week honeymoon in the unique and awesomely beautiful Carmel, California was not like any other honeymoon I've heard of yet. In some ways, it was like a perfect dream. Our love finally being realized in every single way, the picturesque scenery, delicious food, amazing home by the ocean for free, a Land Rover all ours to use for free, bike rides and jogs along the ocean, and much more! But in other aspects, it was heart breaking and devastating. You see, it was on our honeymoon when life started to really "hit the fan" for us. Christa's body, though strong and healthy overall, began spiralling downward so dramatically after an outrageous 5 hours out at sea in a storm, we flew home early to avoid any more close calls requiring an ambulance ride to ER. There are many many stories over the next period of time, but to sum it up, Christa had to quit her job teaching special needs kids, drop out of her college course, and cancel weddings we had rsvp'd to. As I needed to go to work during the day, I had to sleep in a different room with ear plugs because Christa was in so much agony that she couldn't help the screams and moans that came through the night.
Christa would just lay in bed for hours waiting for the pain to lift. Her mom or friend would come over to help in what ways they could sometimes. I tried to keep working carpentry while we searched frantically for answers, but after almost cutting some fingers off multiple times because I couldn't concentrate from such fatigue, I decided to quit to take care of my bride full-time. Her health had gotten that scary only a month or two into our marriage.
We were still completely in love, and somehow growing more so, as each brutal day went by. But such uninvited, severe, and unrelenting suffering was taking a huge toll on us physically and emotionally. So little sleep for weeks on end... Trips to the emergency room resulting in nothing but more unanswered questions. Giving her mouth-to-mouth oxygen because her lungs would often "lock-up", head and body pain so severe she would lose consciousness from the agony dozens of times each day, helping her vomit, trying to hold her still as her body was racked with violent seizures, or staring blankly out the window as she moaned for hour after hour in another room. This became standard issue for our young marriage.
Even though the cloud of physical suffering has never wavered from above our heads in over 31 months of marriage at the time of this post (49 months total for Christa), our love story is something I consider myself beyond blessed to be part of.
I don't claim to know if our relationship was something directly brought about by God, but I know it is something very rare and precious. I also know God has blessed us in countless and significant ways despite the storm we have lived in for so long now. There is no other explanation for the fact that Christa and I have never stopped growing in our love for each other. In the face of this monster, we have had to fight and claw for every inch of our love. Although "happy" moments have been few and far between, but the joy that can only come from God's unrelenting love for us has been almost always present in our marriage and lives.
We spent the first 5 of 7 months of our vulnerable marriage living with our in-laws in this horrible state we had found ourselves in. During our first year of marriage, we moved into 27 different rooms across western Canada and some of the US because of health related reasons. Even after 35+ doctors and specialists we were still without concrete hope for an answer...intense fear began to sink deeper and deeper as the first few weeks and months of our marriage get more and more terrifying. I almost lost my Christa multiple times.
On a trip back from medical appointments in Vancouver in November 2008, I had to snap the wheel to avoid an elk that had just strolled onto the highway. We were doing 110 kmph when we side-flipped our car...
This was Christa's second rollover crash (the first one she flipped three times off a 30' cliff coming down from a ski hill a year earlier). Although we were not trying, Christa miscarried later that month.
We found ourselves back in ER again...Without exaggerating, this was just some of what happened in our first year of marriage; and as fate would have it, it was only the beginning. Many more chapters of our life have been written since. All just as circumstantially terrifying, and often worse than the one previous.
She has passed out from pain, literally thousands and thousands of times; and all I can do is sit by her hoping the sun will rise the next morning and she will still be with me; then we wait for the sun to go down. And so most days go.
I have found her unconscious on the floor, often hitting her head on something on the way down, countless times. Emotionally dealing with canceling so many plans with friends, weddings missed, and pile higher then the eye can see of missed memories we will never, never get back.
Holding her up while she vomits all through the night happens often; while most of the world sleeps peacefully. Running up and down to the kitchen making snacks and meals at all hours. Having to make dozens of medical related phone calls while Christa is crying out in pain in the other room.
There is no possible way that mere words can convey the torture that my beautiful young bride has so gracefully endured. My intent is not to get a reaction from you, but to at least try to describe the tip of the iceberg of suffering that we have gone through, and still endure. I do this so that God willing, you will see that our hope still endures; even against such a bleak, and often stark background.
Over the last 12 to 24 months, we have found out exactly what type of infection has chronically plagued Christa for so long now. She contracted two separate infections that we know of from a bug bite 4 years ago. One infection was Lyme disease which has most likely been dealt with, and the other is a malaria like parasite which is very difficult to kill off. Both of these infections attack the central nervous system as well as cause unbelievable nerve pain. We are thankful to have access to the private health system of the US to get most of these answers, but the road to full recovery will take time.
I will share a few more stories as I write if I believe they will benefit you in some way.
Suffering and trials within marriage can have such a perfecting work on a couple. They can be such opportunities. Or just as realistically, they can be your demise and downfall.
"It's not the years honey, it's the mileage." - Indiana Jones
Certain truths began to stand out to me early on in this seemingly endless journey through dark shadowlands. The surface level life issues that are known to commonly plague people, i.e. expensive insurance, problems at work, canceled plans, and petty fights with friends, totally evaporate in the light of such all encompassing pain. I have found that with the increase of suffering, comes the potential to have the shallow and meaningless things of this life purged out of you; so all that's left to see is pure, unfiltered reality.
Although there is more strength in a healthy marriage as it provides a fortress to fight together from, it can also intensify the agony of the heart tenfold, as helplessly watching the person you love more then life itself, suffer so much. It feels like fish hooks that have been lodged into my flesh, being all ripped out at once; over and over and over again.
