This next post is copied out of "The Meat Market a.k.a. Dating" If you have read that post please ignore this one, but I felt this topic should have a section to itself.
Now, I am going to say something that I have found most people think borders on insanity.
Men cannot be "just friends" with women.
Obviously I am going to explain what I mean by that, and why I think this. This is not a direct Biblical command, but I believe it falls into the "better and best" category. I came to the "extreme" conclusion that men should not have female friends, over my teenage years and confirmed it in my early twenties. I would look around at so many of my friends and their friends, and if I were honest, the average guy was a walking relational disaster. This was not something I wanted at all, so I paid more attention to what choices they made in life, and I figured that if I made the opposite ones, it would only help me as I made my own choices. (When I was younger, I probably should not have told some of these friends this was my reasoning for certain decisions I made. I was definitely too "cheeky" for my own good. Some suggest I haven't fully kicked this habit...:))
Something I will clarify, is that I do not believe men should spend time 1-on-1 with a woman who is not their wife or "significant other", having long talks on the phone, or exchanging personal emails and texts. The surface day to day relationships and acquaintances a man has with women are obviously fine. Please hear me that I am not saying to have no general interaction with women who are not your significant other, or your wife. It is when they become even the slightest bit more than that, but keep the same title as a "friend". The downside to this, FAR outweighs the upside. What a man has to gainfrom these types of relationships is very small to the risk he runs. What is this risk? What danger is there in going for coffee with a woman who is "just a friend"? Doesn't the very thought that this is improper bring to mind words like, "chauvinistic pig" or "sexist"? Well, men and women are designed for a relationship, and it is only a matter of time spent with each other, before something happens in some form or another, to at least one person involved. God designed men and women to be bonded to one person for life. So when a man comes up with whatever justification he chooses, and spends time with another women he plays with a grenade that has no safety pin. The possible end result, is not worth taking part in any of the process.
Now, I know the argument that if you are single this lifestyle is completely acceptable. But think about it this way; habits are a powerful thing, and they will carry into, and can resurface in a "good" marriage, let alone a "struggling" one.
Weaknesses are magnified by 10X in marriage, but on the plus side so are real strengths. But why would a man, who is used to spending time (coffee, phone chats, or email) with different women over the span of a month, let's say, would stop, or want to stop just because he is married? Women (and vise versa for men towards women) who complain about this are thought to be untrusting and assuming the worst. No, avoiding time one-on-one with the opposite sex is one way that trust can be built.
Something I will clarify, is that I do not believe men should spend time 1-on-1 with a woman who is not their wife or "significant other", having long talks on the phone, or exchanging personal emails and texts. The surface day to day relationships and acquaintances a man has with women are obviously fine. Please hear me that I am not saying to have no general interaction with women who are not your significant other, or your wife. It is when they become even the slightest bit more than that, but keep the same title as a "friend". The downside to this, FAR outweighs the upside. What a man has to gainfrom these types of relationships is very small to the risk he runs. What is this risk? What danger is there in going for coffee with a woman who is "just a friend"? Doesn't the very thought that this is improper bring to mind words like, "chauvinistic pig" or "sexist"? Well, men and women are designed for a relationship, and it is only a matter of time spent with each other, before something happens in some form or another, to at least one person involved. God designed men and women to be bonded to one person for life. So when a man comes up with whatever justification he chooses, and spends time with another women he plays with a grenade that has no safety pin. The possible end result, is not worth taking part in any of the process.
Now, I know the argument that if you are single this lifestyle is completely acceptable. But think about it this way; habits are a powerful thing, and they will carry into, and can resurface in a "good" marriage, let alone a "struggling" one.
Weaknesses are magnified by 10X in marriage, but on the plus side so are real strengths. But why would a man, who is used to spending time (coffee, phone chats, or email) with different women over the span of a month, let's say, would stop, or want to stop just because he is married? Women (and vise versa for men towards women) who complain about this are thought to be untrusting and assuming the worst. No, avoiding time one-on-one with the opposite sex is one way that trust can be built.
photos:Google
Let me tell you a story of when Christa and I were first married, and had recently gotten back from our honeymoon. We were going through our own email accounts after being away, and Christa has received a few messages from different guys. Unbeknownst to me, this got her thinking about Facebook and all that comes with it. She felt convicted about having male Facebook "friends" who were not family related, and she deleted all of them. Literally hundreds and hundreds of guy Facebook friends.
I, at the same time was thinking along similar lines regarding Facebook. Anyways, I also decided not to have friends of the opposite sex on my Facebook. This attitude has translated into a total lack of time spent 1-on-1, phone chats or even emails within the realm of "friendships" with women for myself, and for guys with Christa. If a girl really needs to tell me something, she can contact Christa, and vise versa for guys who want to talk with Christa.
We both came to the conclusion that there is no real benefit to the opposite of this. Hypothetically, what do I have to really gain from a photo album of a girl I knew 5 years ago, camping and swimming with her friends?
Doesn't Christa really trust me? Absolutely.
Do I implicitly trust Christa? Without the slightest doubt. Is this trust built on a lack of contact with friends of the opposite sex? No; it is built on the fact that we are far more important to, and love each other so much, to even allow the slightest room for temptation. (Some of our brothers actually, who are single, have done this recently with their Facebook accounts, and they all say it has been such a lack of distraction and a huge blessing in their lives.)
Some interesting statistics..
http://thetechjournal.com/internet/facebook-is-the-new-cause-of-divorce.xhtml
http://www.squidoo.com/internet-affairs#module13511040
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/6857918/Facebook-fuelling-divorce-research-claims.html
Is it a sin to go out for coffee with a woman who is not your wife? No. Is it a sin to drink alcohol? No. Is it a sin to type certain words into the Google search bar? No.
Sin is often a slow process. Often in the form of "soft kill". A fading and a blurring of the lines. No one wakes up one morning, and decides to be a murderer or rapist. But we all have the capability to be one. (The movie "Hitler Youth" is a major eye opener to the fact that everyone has the capacity to do unbelievable evils.)
Having coffee with a women you are not married to, can lead to a nightmare. Drinking till drunk, can result in taking the bus to work for 6+ months (I have seen this very often). And typing debatable words into Google, is the best way to "come across" eye candy that will chronically poison you into things you swore you would never see or do.
Jesus' half-brother (Since Jesus' entrance into the world came from a virgin, this would result in siblings being a half-brother or half-sister) James wrote this on the process of sin, "...but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."
Why take the first few steps down a road that has a "BRIDGE OUT" sign? What is at the end of that road? Gravity, and death. Why walk along the edge of a cliff? Maybe I see this very differently than some, but it resembles a long lost concept: logic. Just because certain things are not in the Ten Commandments, or explicitly described in the Bible, does not mean it gives you the "OK" to pursue them. Many things that don't fall directly into the sin category, can definitely fall into the "stupid", or "moron" category. Many sins begin with a nice outer shell. Nothing too shocking, and very relative. When you want to deceive someone, you have to make a lot of subtle moves for the trap to be successful. It is never a one shot deal for a con artist.
Paul writes about the "grey" things in life. ""I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor. 10)
Some of you reading this, know the agony Christa and I have endured over the past few years, and some of you might not. But I want to write about a small fraction of my journey, as a husband who most days, is forced to helplessly watch his wife be tortured relentlessly by a disease, that drags her to the point of seizures and passing out from the pain.
(Here is a link to a post from Christa with some videos showing how much pain she endures daily: http://christavanderham.blogspot.com/2010/07/videos-to-paint-better-picture.html)
I have almost reason, and more excuse, than anyone I know to look for pleasure or happiness, in the "grey" areas.
When Christa is pinned down by the physical pain for week after week, month after month, and now year after year, do I not have the right to spend some time with a woman who can feed and dress herself without assistance? Should I not be allowed to go for a bike ride or walk, with a woman who doesn't need to be literally carried back into the house after only a few steps? Isn't it all right under the circumstances, that I share a few emails, texts, and light hearted phone calls with a woman who is not frozen with pain? Do I not have the excuse to let my eyes wander through web page after web page at pretty women who are not vomiting for hours on end?
Well...is it?
I, at the same time was thinking along similar lines regarding Facebook. Anyways, I also decided not to have friends of the opposite sex on my Facebook. This attitude has translated into a total lack of time spent 1-on-1, phone chats or even emails within the realm of "friendships" with women for myself, and for guys with Christa. If a girl really needs to tell me something, she can contact Christa, and vise versa for guys who want to talk with Christa.
We both came to the conclusion that there is no real benefit to the opposite of this. Hypothetically, what do I have to really gain from a photo album of a girl I knew 5 years ago, camping and swimming with her friends?
Doesn't Christa really trust me? Absolutely.
Do I implicitly trust Christa? Without the slightest doubt. Is this trust built on a lack of contact with friends of the opposite sex? No; it is built on the fact that we are far more important to, and love each other so much, to even allow the slightest room for temptation. (Some of our brothers actually, who are single, have done this recently with their Facebook accounts, and they all say it has been such a lack of distraction and a huge blessing in their lives.)
Some interesting statistics..
http://thetechjournal.com/internet/facebook-is-the-new-cause-of-divorce.xhtml
http://www.squidoo.com/internet-affairs#module13511040
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/6857918/Facebook-fuelling-divorce-research-claims.html
Is it a sin to go out for coffee with a woman who is not your wife? No. Is it a sin to drink alcohol? No. Is it a sin to type certain words into the Google search bar? No.
Sin is often a slow process. Often in the form of "soft kill". A fading and a blurring of the lines. No one wakes up one morning, and decides to be a murderer or rapist. But we all have the capability to be one. (The movie "Hitler Youth" is a major eye opener to the fact that everyone has the capacity to do unbelievable evils.)
Having coffee with a women you are not married to, can lead to a nightmare. Drinking till drunk, can result in taking the bus to work for 6+ months (I have seen this very often). And typing debatable words into Google, is the best way to "come across" eye candy that will chronically poison you into things you swore you would never see or do.
Jesus' half-brother (Since Jesus' entrance into the world came from a virgin, this would result in siblings being a half-brother or half-sister) James wrote this on the process of sin, "...but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."
Why take the first few steps down a road that has a "BRIDGE OUT" sign? What is at the end of that road? Gravity, and death. Why walk along the edge of a cliff? Maybe I see this very differently than some, but it resembles a long lost concept: logic. Just because certain things are not in the Ten Commandments, or explicitly described in the Bible, does not mean it gives you the "OK" to pursue them. Many things that don't fall directly into the sin category, can definitely fall into the "stupid", or "moron" category. Many sins begin with a nice outer shell. Nothing too shocking, and very relative. When you want to deceive someone, you have to make a lot of subtle moves for the trap to be successful. It is never a one shot deal for a con artist.
Paul writes about the "grey" things in life. ""I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor. 10)
Some of you reading this, know the agony Christa and I have endured over the past few years, and some of you might not. But I want to write about a small fraction of my journey, as a husband who most days, is forced to helplessly watch his wife be tortured relentlessly by a disease, that drags her to the point of seizures and passing out from the pain.
(Here is a link to a post from Christa with some videos showing how much pain she endures daily: http://christavanderham.blogspot.com/2010/07/videos-to-paint-better-picture.html)
I have almost reason, and more excuse, than anyone I know to look for pleasure or happiness, in the "grey" areas.
When Christa is pinned down by the physical pain for week after week, month after month, and now year after year, do I not have the right to spend some time with a woman who can feed and dress herself without assistance? Should I not be allowed to go for a bike ride or walk, with a woman who doesn't need to be literally carried back into the house after only a few steps? Isn't it all right under the circumstances, that I share a few emails, texts, and light hearted phone calls with a woman who is not frozen with pain? Do I not have the excuse to let my eyes wander through web page after web page at pretty women who are not vomiting for hours on end?
Well...is it?
I have endured the worst and most terrifying hours a husband can, whose wife is still living, and I believe with all my heart that it is not even close to acceptable. Not because someone thinks it is or isn't, but because I know it pleases my God who chose to save me from a miserable end. I do not choose anyone but Christa, because despite the attractive facade these alternatives offer, I know they are a synthetic. A fake. A 20$ Rolex. They do not compare to the joy and happiness Christa and I share in this storm. God designed something very special when he designed marriage. The Bible paints this picture beautifully.
It is more than a clean conscious; it is a real joy and even happiness to be a husband to my gorgeous wife the way God wants me to in this uninvited nightmare. Often it does not feel like sacrifice. In a sense, doing things God's way is selfish. I am the one who benefits the most, just like in the opposite scenario, I am the one who would suffer most. Anything I do that is truly good is because of Jesus Christ, and anything sinful I do, is all on me. No one else. I am flawed and without a doubt a sinner worthy of Hell, but I have been snatched from the conveyer belt feeding into the fires of Hell, and placed on a narrow but perfect road leading to Heaven. How can I not live out of joy and gratitude for that? Living for Christ in this depraved world is like walking on the edge of a razor blade. Perfect living is not an option. I will stumble; but a perfect desire for God and the things of God IS. If I have no excuse or reason to entertain sin, then I can conclude that you do not either. I am not the judge or jury. God writes the rules, and will carry out justice in His way and time. He is the architect of this life, and the next.
It is more than a clean conscious; it is a real joy and even happiness to be a husband to my gorgeous wife the way God wants me to in this uninvited nightmare. Often it does not feel like sacrifice. In a sense, doing things God's way is selfish. I am the one who benefits the most, just like in the opposite scenario, I am the one who would suffer most. Anything I do that is truly good is because of Jesus Christ, and anything sinful I do, is all on me. No one else. I am flawed and without a doubt a sinner worthy of Hell, but I have been snatched from the conveyer belt feeding into the fires of Hell, and placed on a narrow but perfect road leading to Heaven. How can I not live out of joy and gratitude for that? Living for Christ in this depraved world is like walking on the edge of a razor blade. Perfect living is not an option. I will stumble; but a perfect desire for God and the things of God IS. If I have no excuse or reason to entertain sin, then I can conclude that you do not either. I am not the judge or jury. God writes the rules, and will carry out justice in His way and time. He is the architect of this life, and the next.
Because our marriage is built on the blueprints of Scripture, Christa and I are brought closer, and made stronger. (Jeremiah 17:7-8, Matthew 7:24-25) It provides purpose and reason to go on when there shouldn't be any. Love is a choice. The kisses Christa and I share, and the love we create is beyond anything Hollywood could concoct. The thought of a one night stand in comparison, stirs up nausea.
The "meat market" lifestyle, is repulsive in comparison.
This is the result of God's blessing on our lives. It is worth it to do life God's way. It is worth it to admit the truth, that you are helpless and self-destructing without Him. I don't know how else to convey this. I say this to encourage you to either keep on striving for Christ and his truth, or if you are living in unrepentant sin, turn from that life! Repent, and believe. There is no fence to sit on! Grey is not a color when it comes to Heaven and Hell. Morality will not save you. John 5:24 "Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life." That is what God wants from you.
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