THE REALITY
...continued from Chapter 5
Back to husbandry. Other than dying for a belief in Jesus Christ, the Bible does not call a husband to die for anything, except his wife. Not his job. Not his friends. Not his "ministry". Not even his children. As graphic as the analogy is, if there was ever a time when a husband could only save one member of his family, God makes it clear who it should be.
This paints the picture of just how seriously God takes the union of marriage. The arena of marriage is the most practical and purposeful way a man and woman can live out what Christ did for us. Marriage has more potential then anything else, to shape a person to become more like the person of Jesus Christ. It will purge you, change you, and reward you. It is very similar to working out and training at the gym. Sometimes it is the last thing you feel like doing, and it can be so painful. But if you "workout" in the way one should, there is no way anyone in their right mind would trade the results! These painful character changes, make real joy and happiness within marriage possible.
Let me ask you something. What would make a guy smile more at the end of a day: Working so hard all day that we was totally exhausted and spent at the end of it? Or, a day spent in boxers watching TV re-runs? I find this very interesting because everything and everyone around us is telling us to treat romance like a lazy bum who spends his days grazing on snacks and just killing time. So why complain about the results of this emotional "work ethic" towards marriage?
Marriage is a lot like a whirlpool. Getting the current and flow of the water up to a cruising speed takes a lot of effort. But once it's there, you can enjoy the fruits of your labor as the water carries you along. But if you don't put in the effort to keep the flow of water moving, you will come to a halt, and become stagnant in a pool of slimy water. And looking around for excuses and someone else to blame will inevitably follow.
But getting it clean and flowing again, will take ten times the effort as keeping it going would. But the goal isn't to just reach cruising speed and just stay there. No, there really is no cap on just how good a marriage can get.
Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It is designed to consume you; with no where to run. But here's the beautiful thing, you shouldn't want to run. As a husband, your wife should be your full-time pursuit, greatest passion, and most fulfilling joy.
If you are married and you want out for purely selfish reasons, then I'm afraid that you are the one that needs to consider changing. You do not realize the treasures that lay within marriage.
To say marriage is without effort, is an understatement. You cannot climb Mt. Kilimanjaro without intense training and preperation. But without this, you will never experience the unexplainable joy from reaching the summit. Success at marriage is the sweetest success in this life.
What is the alternative? Well, it boils down to a life spent getting as many selfish desires met as possible before you die. How sad, and pitiful...
But even with all the blessings and rewards God has designed for a self-sacrificing marriage to produce, "rewards" and "success" should not be the main motive for doing so. The motive behind this type of love, that it is stronger and more fierce than anything else, is not found in someone. It is only found in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ; I will explain.
There is a story in the Bible of a man who owed a ton of money. His credit card debt was more than he could ever hope to pay off. He went to the person he owed this huge lump sum to, and begged for more time. The wealthy lender said he was to sell off all his stuff, and be put in debtors prison until he paid everything back (even though it was impossible). The man fell on his face begging for mercy; for more time. The lender for some reason felt compassion, and actually forgave the debt. This was like winning the lottery for the man! He should feel as light as a feather.
He went back to his day-to-day life and came across a man who owed him a few hundred bucks. He called in the debt from the man. This man begged for more time!
But this recent "lottery winner" wouldn't hear it, and had the man thrown into debtors prison over this small debt. The wealthy lender got wind of this, and called the man he had forgiven, back into his office. The wealthy lender was furious! No amount of begging this time would salvage this man's mistake; he was thrown into debtor's prison. Game over.
This analogy sums up, in a significant way, what the attitude of the heart should be within marriage. How dare we call in small debts from each other, when God has forgiven amounts we have no hope or prayer of paying back!?! If one realizes even to a small extent, just how much he has been forgiven, how can he not turn around to those around him and be able to forgive the wrongs against him? Especially his wife!
I recently talked to a man who has been happily married for over 25 years, raised kids who have not self-destructed their lives, and I asked him what would be the main advice he would give regarding marriage. He said this, "First, don't hold onto grudges! And second, if you say this is just the way the way I am and I can't change. No it's not! Just change! I.e. If one of you has a bathroom habit the other doesn't like, just stop it. Change! It's not worth it; you gain nothing from it. Put the other ahead of yourself." He went on to say this, "The doctrine of the total depravity of man is the most liberating truth for man, and for marriage."
The "doctrine of total depravity" basically means this: Every single person is not basically good, but basically evil. This doesn't mean everyone is as bad as they could be, but no one is good enough to get to Heaven on their own merits. There is nothing anyone can do to help themselves spiritually. No way to erase sin once it's committed. God says this spiritual sin debt, is enough debt for an eternity in Hell. Romans 3 "There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one." And later in chapter 6, "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus."
Jesus said in the book of John, "Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin." (emphasis added)
You may not agree with the idea that humans are basically evil, not basically good. But think about this analogy I once heard from a lecturer speaking to a 500 person student body, "You may think you are a good person, but if I could hook up your mind's eye to a projector, and play for everyone here to see all the thoughts you've had over the last 24 hours, you wouldn't show your face on this campus again." I kinda laughed when I first heard this, but I was forced to agree with his point.
I catch something people say and believe, in my peripheral sometimes as I'm on the internet, reading a book, or hearing people talk while I'm in town. It generally goes something like this, "Everyone deserves to be loved", or, "You don't deserve that to happen to you." Whether someone deserves something or not I don't know, but what I do know is that no one deserves love, or to be loved in this life. We as sinful humans do not deserve anything truly good. We have the desire to love and be loved, but because of our sin, it is not something we are owed in this life. What we are owed, is eternal punishment for the sin we choose to commit against God.
Anything we get, or do that is "good" is only because of God, and anything we do that is evil comes from our very own wicked hearts.
Why is this the most freeing concept for mankind, and in this case for marriage? Because it means life does not start, revolve, or end with us. This is (or it should be) extremely humbling, and purpose giving.
To know that what we do or don't do, is not what our "worth" is measured by. To have the heart comprehend that it is only because of Jesus Christ that anything we do, is of any value or worth, is so freeing... I love my wife out of the love that Christ has for me. Even in the infant stages of grasping this truth, it is enough to transform a life, and also a marriage. Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives,"
This Christ calls me to lay my life down for my wife, so I do it gladly. Some days it is like riding on cloud 9 as things are just so amazing, and other days my selfishness fights every inch of the idea, but the command remains unchanged; so I do it regardless of how I feel. If you are married to a believing wife, then you are married to one of God's daughters. You mistreat her, you mistreat His possession. If this is consistently the case, be very afraid.
If you are a believer, and your spouse isn't, the Bible makes it clear what your role is in this situation, "Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over over without words by the behaviour of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (Peter wrote these words)
But in a thriving and successful marriage by God's standards, how you treat your spouse is NOT dependent on how they treat YOU. There is never an excuse to not love her; because your relationship isn't based, or even built on each other. Neither one of you, is the standard by which your marriage is measured. The standard is Jesus Christ.
If Christ is not the standard, then excuses are plentiful.
"She doesn't respect me, so I'm not going to love her as much as I could."
"He doesn't pay any attention to me, so I'm not going to respect or serve him as much."
Or the all too popular line of thinking, "At least I'm not like _____. Man, compared to that loser I'm doing great!" Human comparisons is such a dangerous and pathetic way to gage how well you are doing in marriage; or anything in life.
Just to go on record, in the cases of physical, sexual , and other extreme abuse in marriage, there is another route one should take, and this post will not delve into those (I would encourage you speak with someone you respect very much, and is follow the Lord). But for the majority of marriages where these extreme situations are not taking place, the attitude should be far from, "I'll treat you a certain way, as long as you treat me a certain way." Marriage is a unchanging call to love each other; even when they don't meet all your expectations and "conditions".
It is easier to be successful at many things in life, other than marriage. Career, status, church, social image and friends. But to have a thriving marriage is a whole other ball game.
Even though I have yet to become a father, I want to touch on a couple things regarding family and husbandry and how they work together. I mentioned earlier that if there ever came a time when the man could only save one member of his family, the Bible makes it clear that his wife is who he should rescue. Although this situation is very rarely played out for any husband and father, it points to a few critical elements regarding priority within family structure.
I'll give an example that played out with my family years back with my mom and dad. One of my brothers and I were 18 and 19 respectively, and we were in the process of buying motorbikes. Very, very, fast motorbikes. So, even though at the beginning of this process mom and dad were on board as dad had one growing up, and they knew we were fairly responsible guys.
We needed their approval at this point in life, because we were still living under their roof. Fair enough. So the spring day came when we had finished our safety course, all licensed, and ready to pick out some speed machines with some saved up money. Needless to say, mom began to panic around this time, and the whole motorcycle endeavour went back to the drawing board. We had a few very intense "conversations" as dad was still alright with the idea, but mom was threatening to move if we went through with it. Dad, as man of the house, laid it out something like this, "I'm fine with you guys getting bikes, but since your mom and I are going to be married for the rest of our lives I will be living with her, not you. So until you move out, no motorbikes."
I will never forgot that talk because I saw something that is crucial to a thriving marriage. When it came to it, dad did not hesitate about putting his wife (our mom), well above us as the kids in priority. This should be case of married people all through the growing up years of their kids. My wife, Christa was blessed in this same way growing up. Her folks would constantly plan date nights, or alone time through the years where their kids would not be included, but take a "backseat" for awhile.
Some might think the kids would be hurt, or feel betrayed by this type of attitude. That could not be further from the truth. What does make a child's (at any age really) world spin out of control, and implant such dread in their hearts, is just the idea of their parents splitting up.
See, we knew mom and dad were not going anywhere; they put their marriage one ring above their kids on the ladder of life, and as a result filled us four boys with such security and peace of mind. The world is a very scary place, so kids desperately need a safe place as a home base. The only way to build an environment with this level of security for a child to grow in, is through a SOLID marriage. You take away a child's sense of security within the family, and it becomes damage control, and a steep uphill climb in life from that point on...
Those types of scars never fully fade away.
A solid marriage will give the kids a first hand look at what they should train and wait for. A daughter will recognize a sorry excuse for a male species from a mile off, if she has a dad who has exemplified what it is to be a real man. The statistics are worse then I thought on daughters following in their parents faults. They are FAR more likely to get into abusive, alcoholic, or overall losing relationships if that was the case with her dad.
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(If you were wondering what happened with the bikes, once we told mom we wouldn't get them for her sake, she actually changed her mind. We rode for a few magical years with no injuries, only some scraped paint and pride. We brothers all look forward to riding bikes again one day! Although, I'm not sure if I will let my future kids ride them:)) |
Another sad reality I see being played out more and more often in today's God depraved world, is in marriage and families where the man or woman doesn't have the correct motivation for loving their spouse, and inevitably they end up looking elsewhere. For women with children, it often looks like getting all their emotional needs met by her kids (or soap operas, Tv shows, sleazy books and magazines) instead of her husband. Kids are not built to be able to handle that. By the man not stepping up and loving his bride, it leaves many doors open for her to spiral downward. Affairs commonly plague these types of marriages. This is not an excuse for the woman, but a common reason.
Marriage is a relationship between one man and one woman that needs to be defended so fiercely. Especially in today's day and age. And more often than not, this will bring odd looks and even ridicule from our culture i.e. friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. The ways a marriage can be picked apart, damaged, or diluted like Kool-Aid, is truly frightening. What is currently considered "normal" is so far from what is right. I have yet to see a healthy marriage where the husband or wife invests extended time and/or emotional energy with someone from the opposite sex who they are obviously not married to.
Texting, e-mails, going for coffee or dinner, does not seem to be considered the self-destructing activities that they are, for someone who is married to be doing.
Some of you know this, but I deleted all non-family females off of my Facebook account when Christa and I first got married, and she had done the same previously after being convicted about it, with the guys on her Facebook. We came to this decision on our own separately, and looking back after almost 3 years of marriage, it was a great move towards protecting our invaluable relationship. Other examples might that we have chosen to not have extended phone calls with people of the opposite sex (who we're not related to obviously), go for coffee, or be in any situation that would have potential, or even appear to have the potential for "sparks to fly".
You might be thinking we don't trust each other, and have to be completely in control of the other person for our marriage to function. That could not be further from the truth. You see, it is because of these "extreme" measures and attitudes we have decided to take that allow for our relationship to continue growing unhindered. We trust each other implicitly; and I know in my heart of hearts that Christa would not betray me in any possible situation to any degree. And I know it is the same for Christa regarding myself.
What do I possibly have to gain from deep "friendships" with the opposite sex? What do I really lose by pursuing my bride to the exclusion of all others? I'm OK with ridicule if it comes with the territory of a solid marriage.
If you wanted to continue flirting and getting attention (that may not be what it's defined as, but that's what it is), you should have stayed single. I find the habits one has with regards to relationships, age is no exception, with the opposite sex before marriage, always continue on after the altar, but with more devastating fallout.
The world mocks this level of protectiveness over marriage, because the truth is, societies' idea of marriage is not worth protecting.
Most people seem to view marriage like a stock on Wall Street. Once it stops "producing", sell it.
I do however find it strange that even though most people don't claim to see any harm in these types of so-called friendly relationships, they do however see a problem with officially cheating on your spouse. They can't deny the emotional aftermath that always comes from being sexually unfaithful. Even though these adulterous relationships are always preceded by, relative to the final act of sex, small but generally accepted incidences. This is like complaining about driving into a cement wall after two dozen signs warned you it was coming.
"And the two shall become one flesh; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. What God has joined together, let no man separate." - The Son of God
Does the Bible say it's sin for a married man to have coffee with another woman? No, of course not. The Bible doesn't command you not to walk straight into a pole either. Some things are just dumb. Or even partially stupid, but still stupid nonetheless. They beg the question, "What exactly did you think was going to happen?"
The Bible does command us to not get drunk and to not commit adultery, so why would I want to take the first steps down a road I know has a fatal ending? These commands are not to keep us from having fun, but to keep us from falling! Would you occasionally let your 8 year old boy steer your car as you drive through town? Probably not; because one day when you're not looking he's going to go for a joyride right into the side of Wal-Mart.
No, the reality is we want to do, what we want to do. And we want it now. This is why there is not a lot of tiny commands in the New Testament, because our wicked hearts would desperately to try and find loopholes. This is why Jesus said in the book of Matthew, "'You have heard it said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' (Ex. 20:14) But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.'" Jesus raises the bar so high that no one can get over it. He wipes out any, and every potential loophole.
I have written a more extensive post previous to this one explaining in much greater detail my reasoning behind the notion that men can just be fiends with women. It's titled, "Why Can't We Just Stay Friends?"
Chapter 7 continues this post...
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