CHAPTER 8 "A circle of love, or a shackle?" 5 of 6

THE BOOKSHELF ANALOGY

...continued from Chapter 7

  It is not that other things in my life, such as sports or motorbikes, have become less important to me, but Christa has become that much MORE important and attractive to me! If other things or activities need to be set aside for the sake of my bride, I will. Not because I have to, but because I realize at least to some extent, just how much more valuable my Christa is than anything else in this life. How could I put some cheap, passing, potential pleasure ahead of her? You will monitor and care for your greatest investments in life, more carefully than any others. And the Bible clearly states that your wife should be your greatest investment.

  Don't get me wrong, I have been blessed to be able to do some things I really enjoy, such as motor-biking, photography, basketball, shooting various types of guns, working out and running, teaching sunday school, playing guitar pretty intensely since a very young age, working hard and saving up money, driving some sweet Toyota trucks, etc etc; and I will always enjoy "guy stuff". Christa loves it when I'm able to hit up the gym, or play a good game of basketball! And it makes me so happy to see her able to do things in this life that she really enjoys.

  But imagine a big bookshelf that has all the things in your life that are important to you, ranging from minor things at the bottom, to major things placed high up.

 I.e. what you think about most, is of highest priority to you.

Now, the upper shelves represent what is most precious and valuable to you. Now, when you get married, the bookshelf doesn't come crashing down to a pile of old hobbies and dreams (or at least it shouldn't). But instead, things get rearranged.

  The most rearranging happens for a man when he gets married. If things do get thrown out, then they probably shouldn't have been there at any point in time. And if the man is rearranging his bookshelf with any other attitude than a joyful one, look out. Because unfortunately for most people, marriage is like new cloths, the best it's gonna look is at the store. After that, it becomes harder to keep your interest. But if the couple realizes the true value of things, rearranging priorities is no problem.

   This is why true marriage and the relationships that lead to it, must be accurately explained and taught to young people early on in life! To realize the pure magnitude of what marriage really is, and be waiting and ready for it. Trials in marriage turn from circumstances that divide, to opportunities that perfect the relationship.

  If someone dropped you on an island, with a map to priceless treasure, you would head straight into the jungle looking for it. If you encountered wild animals, traps, and marooned pirates trying to keep you from it, would you throw up the white flag and call it a day? No way. NOT if you knew the true value of what you were going after. You would endure anything for the prize.

 A soldier in war will endure many hardships if he believes what he is fighting for, is worth fighting for. In the case of marriage, the rewards often come as you carry on, assuring you of the bearings you both set your compass to. Some days will seem like a dream, while others can be more stormy, but your eyes remain fixed on the true purpose of marriage, and what you and your wife are truly defined by, and you stay the course.

 I will be blunt. A marriage or relationship not built on Christ, will lack any genuine purpose. Without living from the reality that you have been forgiven untold debts, you will approach relationships with an attitude ultimately centered on yourself, instead of on Christ who commands a husband to love his wife, because He first loved us. What greater privilege, and purpose is there for a man?

NOT A DICTATOR

 This privilege of being married involves many responsibilities for the man, but one stands out to me from reading the Bible, more than most.

       A man must lead. His role is to be the head of his wife, and family.

Probably the most precise part of the Bible that touches on this issue is from Ephesians 5 when Paul wrote these inspired words,

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her," it goes on to further explain, but I'll stick to these words for right now.

  Now, if you guys get excited and even smirk a bit at the idea of being "the head" of your marriage, then  I can confidently say that you have no clue what that command entails. This is not a part of your marriage that you volunteer for with a song in your heart, and a smile on your face. You do not want to be the leader. It is a staggering responsibility that you will answer to God for. If you have an accurate understanding of what it means to be a man in the setting of a marriage, then you know this is not something you want, but something you know comes with the territory.

  If you claim to be a Christian, then the Bible say you will one day present your wife to God, and answer for how you acted towards her, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way, husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself." (Eph. 5)

  And you ladies,  your heart may baulk, and just the notion that you are to be "subject" to your man, might stir up all sorts of imagery that repulses you. Probably inspired by the God hating world we live in, which by the way, offers no functional alternative.

 First off, that is what the Bible says, and says clearly. There is no getting around it. So at the risk of sounding cold, it really doesn't matter how you feel on the issue. But second, you probably just like guys, have a very distorted and incorrect perspective on what this looks like in a solid marriage. I will explain what this should look like, and you can take it from there.

  (On a side note, I find it strange that a good chunk of the liberal camp of today's society bash Christians for viewing women as second class citizens, when in truth, it was Christianity that first brought about women's rights and the idea that women should be viewed at equal. Besides Jesus breaking all sorts of social barriers and speaking with women in public in a way equal with that of a man, Paul who wrote the verses I just quoted, also wrote about allowing women to sit along side men for the first time, and learn in the church.)

  The Bible does not command women to be a submissive species in general. You may have already caught this, but read the first few words about being subject, "...to your own husbands..." This does not mean that any man can ask you to serve him you have to do it; not at all! The command is not to lay over and play dead because all of your own will and passions have been shut down. The command is to submit to your own husband, and before that, your dad (assuming he was in the picture), and not to anyone else's authority (besides that of Christ which everyone will one day bow to).

  This is much easier and more of a joy to do I find, if the man the woman is married to, is desiring and straining to be a man that submits to Christ. Respect and trust for her husband will be inevitable. The wife is actually submitting to God first, by choosing to submit to her own husband as God has called her to do. This is a major part of God's design for a healthy marriage as no man will ever reach a level that is truly worthy of being submitted to by God's standards; failures will happen.

  If his motives and character are all focused on himself, then there is good reason for his woman to be nervous. If his priorities are not her well-being and growth as a woman, but his car, career, sports, friends, hobbies etc., then the wife is forced to pull his share of the weight as well as babysit him. What often happens, is the wife ends up fighting a lot of the battles of life that are her man's job. From having to keep tabs on his spending habits, apologizing to friends for words he said, to dealing with an issue with the neighbors because he doesn't feel like it. I'm sure you can come up with many possible examples. How can a woman feel safe and protected when she's stepping up to do her guy's job?? Only boys are permitted to hide behind mom's skirts.

 In Genesis, (chapter 3: 16-19) when God cursed man because of sin, He had one curse for men and one for women. Men were now to toil, sweat and labor in their work to provide for their families; and women would now have significant pain in childbirth.

 Now, what is happening more and more in our current society is that women want an equal share in both curses. They want the pain have birthing children, as well as the curse of labouring in the work force.

  I am not saying there is never a time for a woman to work outside the home, but merely pointing at just how skewed our culture views a woman's roles and responsibilities. It's far too much to expect a woman to take on the responsibilities and curse of a man, as well as the enormous burden of raising children. 

There seems to be a lot more successful business and career women, then there are successful mothers. This shows just which one is actually more difficult, and ultimately more rewarding and praiseworthy. 

 In the book of Romans Paul indirectly touches on an interesting point of who bears certain responsibilities within a marriage. "Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man..." Notice that even though Eve was first to actually sin, the blame and responsibility was laid on Adam, the man. Just like car insurance bills the policy holder for a collision, even if someone else was driving, God put the responsibility of what the woman did, on the man. This does not make Adam more or less important to God than Eve, but it does give a clear picture of God's design for the man to be a leader.

  In Genesis God created and designed a woman to help their man. Why? Because we men weren't going to make it on our own. We are in desperate need of a Godly woman in our lives.

  But when a woman has to help the boy she is married to, instead of her man, many unnecessary problems arise.

  Back to the men, it is your responsibility to serve your wife! Not by letting her walk all over you, but the best leaders are the ones who serve those who follow them by putting their needs above their own. My dad has worked 12 hour days, 5-6 days a week for over 20 years. He does this to serve his family. He is not buying sports cars and pricey golf clubs with his earnings. He was taking care of us!

  Or another example is from war, where the best generals are those who stay with the men in the trenches. And who make sure his men are taken care of before himself. He will be the first onto the battle field, and the last to leave.

 In a much more intense way, this should be the case within marriage.

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many." - Written about Jesus in the book of Mark.

  True leadership, means putting her needs above yours. Not necessarily wants, but what she needs. In a way, when you become a husband, you and what you want doesn't exist anymore. The best soldiers fight as if they're already dead. Going to work and providing for your household is not the gold standard for husbandry. Animals know how to do this better than most guys. No, your real job begins after work.

   Paul Washer says this, "After a hard day at work, you get home, and that's when your work really starts."

 Being the leader, is far from being the dictator. Let me say that again, the man is NOT a dictator.

 A quote I really like is this, "I can tell exactly what kind of man you are, by looking at your wife." This is so true. What the speaker meant was this: The wife is often such a direct mirror to how she is being loved or not loved by her man. A woman who is not being prized and loved fiercely, will whither away over time like a dying flower. While a woman who is being passionately loved and cared for to the exclusion of all others, will grow and thrive even in bad weather! (Christa loves this analogy. And sometimes when we're able to get out, she'll easily be able to point out a woman who is a "withering flower".)

 It is crucial, that you men lead your women well in a self-sacrificing way only from the blueprints laid out perfectly in the Bible.

   If the husband creates a "world" for his bride by leading compassionately by living according to God's will, then his wife will feel safe and secure, knowing full well she is loved; then she will respect and trust him to no end, and follow him into the most dangerous war zones of life.

   But if he is a man with purely selfish, greedy, and self pleasing motives for everything he does, it becomes extremely difficult for his wife to respect and trust him. How can she? Especially when he is not leading his family spiritually. That is the worst of all if he is failing in how he is leading spiritually. He is more dangerous to his wife and family than a deranged gunman stumbling into their home if he is not stepping up and setting an example worthy to be followed. If a husband and father fails in leading spiritually, he has failed in the worst way as the results can have eternal consequences.

Chapter 9 finishes this post...