CHAPTER 9 "A circle of love, or a shackle?" 6 of 6

IS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

...continued from Chapter 8

  Everyone has their own story in life, but for myself, my journey as a husband has had countless opportunities to either be selfish and do what I want, or do what God wants, which is what Christa needs me to do; and in some cases that is literally keeping her alive. What I mean by opportunities is this, my days are filled with dozens of choices that depending on what I decide, will have drastic results. But nevertheless they are still choices.

  Because of Christa's health being so brutal for most of our marriage, there have been days and even weeks, where I do not do one thing for myself. I have gone full days without eating because I don't have time to make myself something as Christa's body is dragging her into unexplainable agony like wild horses dragging someone behind them. She has swallowed over 65,000 pills over the last 4 years. She has taken 16 trips to the emergency room, but she has had enough reason to go well over a hundred times, but she fights like no one else I've ever heard of.

 The stress and anguish of my heart are far too high to even think about food. 24 hours without sleep is common. I go days without realizing that I haven't taken a full breath because of the trauma we find ourselves in. Running up and down the stairs getting drugs, helping her throw up, pouring baths, giving her mouth-to-mouth oxygen, micro-waving heat bags, researching online, and making sad attempts at laundry and dishes is what fills most of my days.

  I am no hero. If this is what being a hero is, I wouldn't recommend it...

          It does not feel like a choice, although I suppose it is. Just in the same way after seeing for the first time that Christ went though death instead of me, that giving my life which he bought, to follow Him is in reality a choice. But if something is irresistible, is it still a choice? How could I not choose to follow Him!? And as close tangent to that choice, how could I not choose to care for my bride in this dark season of life?

    Love does not make suffering any easier, but it provides the motivation to endure it.

   Christa is such an unbelievable woman. Almost every memory we have managed to make has been because of pain killers finally working, or more often than not, because of Christa's ability to manage the pain. She somehow is able to have conversations and think clearly up to a 7-8 out of 10 for her, if "10" is passing out from the pain. Even though she has gone through, and still endures more physical torture than I have ever seen, heard, or read about, she still makes my decision to love her a very easy one.

 While holding Christa's limp unconscious body waiting for her to "come to" in-between seizures, I have had long awaited phone calls with doctors and specialists, where I'm trying to focus on getting the information I need, while keeping my wife's body from slamming into something.

  This is a very small look into what our life has looked like more often than not for almost 3 years now.

"Kites rise highest against the wind - not with it." - Winston Churchill

   But with such suffering can come a silver lining. I must stress that this silver lining does not always bring comfort, or warm fuzzy feelings. What it is, is a God given opportunity to serve Him, through taking care of Christa when she can't take care of herself. This is a major part of my purpose in this life. There is often no immediate reward for doing things God's way. I don't take care of her because of what she could give back to me. I do it because I truly love her. And she doesn't choose to stay alive for any other reason then her unbelievable love for me. How could she when the pain is so torturous and unrelenting, month after month...I don't know why she chose me out of all the guys she could have said yes to...

 But even in the dark shadow-lands which Christa and I have walked hand in hand, our suffering is still somehow always slightly overpowered by the love, joy, and purpose Christa and I share. If someone could offer me a life, without all this unrelenting and all consuming unfiltered pain, I wouldn't take it if it meant giving up my relationship with Christa. 

  When we first started seeing each other we had no idea what lay ahead, but even if somehow I was given a vision from God of what was coming, I would still marry her. 

Rewards are not the correct motivation for sacrifice. Jesus Christ is. 

  This dark chapter of our story will hopefully end soon, and circumstances will be less traumatic, but my role and job as a husband remains unchanged. And for that I am truly glad.

 What Christa and I share is something so rare and precious, that I could never trade it for anything. And because of the evil monster that is her health, we have had to fight so fiercely for every bit of our love. The wisest man to ever walk the earth besides the Son of God, was King Solomon who wrote this around 960 B.C., "For love is as strong as death...Many waters cannot quench love, nor will rivers overflow it; If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, It would be utterly despised."

  Think about this famous line that seems to be believed, to some extent, by most people, "If it feels good, do it." This is what people actually use as their line of reasoning for committing what God calls, sin. From cheating on your spouse, to fudging the tax numbers, to being loose with your tongue. "It felt good at the time, so I did it."

  If this is in some way a new thought for you, let me break something to you. Feelings have nothing to do with it. What you feel, can be trusted as much as a fat kid next to cupcakes. Feelings, when used as your compass for life, is like a compass that doesn't point North (Truth), but one that you can turn the arrow in any direction you like.

  But if God, and his Word are your compass, you can be guaranteed to find yourselves in hard circumstances just like anyone, but as a whole you will end up continuing North.

The Lord of the Rings was written by a Christian man, J.R.R. Tolkien, and many Biblical analogies are laced throughout his stories. Frodo's road was far from comfortable, but he knew exactly what he needed to do, and where he needed to go. No matter what showed up in front of him, he knew what his mission was.

 Marriage can hold such rich, untold joys and happy memories. Bliss is a word that comes close to describing what marriage can really be. But the only way these amazing times can truly happen, is if your feet are set and braced correctly, with Christ as your compass, for the stormy seasons which always come to some degree, to everyone in this life.

 In Matthew 7 Jesus tells a story of two men who built their house (lives) on different foundations. One on stone, the other on sand. Stormy weather hit both houses (lives). (Solomon also talks about negative  uninvited circumstances being unrelated to one's belief system in the book of Ecclesiastes.) Here is the rest of the story Jesus told,

  "And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock. 'Everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew against that house; and it fell--and great was its fall.' When Jesus had finished these words, the crowds were amazed at his teaching;"

   The purpose of doing it God's way, is not a lack of bad weather in life. If anything you may attract more, but the point is that if your life is built on Christ and the Bible, you will not fall, but have a life able to sustain the beatings life gives out.

 Marriage is by far the most high stakes game of life you will ever play.

  But the more you put what you perceive your rights to be, and what you think you deserve in this life aside, you will put yourself directly in the way of an unbelievable marriage!

    If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts on marriage. I pray that your wedding ring (or future ring) will represent a circle of Christ's love, and far from that of a shackle. May God bless you as He sees fit.