CHAPTER 3 "The Meat Market"
The dating game, a.k.a. "the meat market", is currently the most common and socially accepted way for a guy to find a girl. Just like picking out a slab of steak at the meat counter, guys and girls pick their romantic partners. The name of the game is to find a girl who makes you feel a certain way. A girl who's physique fits your eye, who likes what you like, does things similar to what you do, laughs at what you laugh at, etc etc. "Compatibility", as we have come to know it, is now considered the most fundamental ingredient to a successful romantic relationship. Dating and matchmaking websites run totally on this idea. After a guy inputs what describes him and what he likes, a list of "compatible" female pops up; and the game begins. That is, until whenever the synthetic flames and sparks of the relationship stop. Certain issues surface that did not seem to exist before, and you just don't feel those exciting and intoxicating emotions as much, or at all. She might even begin to get on your nerves and annoy you with almost everything she does.
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"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." - Winston Churchhill
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It a hard thing, to face the truth. God's Truth demands that whoever finds it, submits to it. As sinful humans, we don't like that idea. We would prefer to keep on trucking in the direction and manner we think is best.
 Thinking, that if you can just find a girl that has everything you are looking for, that everything will work out. It's like buying a car with only one photo-shopped picture advertising it. Optimism kicks in, and you go for it. There is nothing that can override, overtake, blind, and consume all of your available senses like a relationship (or interest) with the opposite sex. They will fill your thoughts by day, and your dreams by night. They will motivate and drive your significant life decisions, consciously and subconsciously. Romantic relationships will be responsible for a massive percentage of your happiness, or misery in this life.
A healthy, growing romance is the holy grail of Hollywood.
I've chosen the world of romance to cover next, because it is so closely tied to my last write-ups on genuine manhood. I will write this post mainly from the male perspective.
If romance is as important as we make it out to be, why does failure and such emotional torment seem to follow it everywhere it goes? Pursuing real love is a lot like attempting to wrestle a wild alligator. The odds of getting seriously hurt and damaged for life, far outweigh the small chance that you will conquer it. So why then, do so many still attempt it? Why do so many tolerate the beating it gives, for the hope that one day it will work out? This is like watching all your friends drive over a patch of ice and crash into the ditch, and thinking to yourself that you will be different! The next thing you know, your car is spinning out of control and you are wondering, "What happened? Why me!?".
If truth be told, true love is presently such a far fetched notion, it has drifted from reality into animated fairy-tale Pixar and Disney movies. And because we believe this, the standard of love now expected, dreamed of and hoped for, has been lowered so dramatically, because of the complete lack of the genuine article.
What is now considered "love" and "romance", is no longer pure organic fruit juice, but watered down chemical-enriched Kool-Aid which we pass off for the real thing. Why wait and put in the work to grow the fruit, if you can have a powder mix in 90 seconds. And, after all, isn't everyone else drinking the very same Kool-Aide, just in different flavors?
Love, romance, and a happy marriage is now just a cardboard cut out in a store window imitating the real thing; but at the end of the day costing you far more and delivering far less.
To love someone, is to set in motion something so powerful. It is meant to be so. But with that, comes the very real danger of being completely destroyed.
With every single relationship, you buy something you can never return. You leave part of yourself whether you intend to, or not. This is supposed to happen, because you are supposed to be with one person for life. God hardwired this mechanism into everyone.
"Love is invincible facing danger and death. Passion laughs at the terrors of hell. The fire of love stops at nothing— it sweeps everything before it. Flood waters can't drown love, torrents of rain can't put it out." - Ecc.8
Everyone has something prebuilt in them like emotional "duct tape", with the sticky side facing out. The closer two people get, the more they become attached, and the bigger the mess it is when the "duct tape" is almost always inevitably pulled apart.
Even though almost everything and everyone you are exposed to in society is telling you the lie that this isn't the case, and that there is no downside to giving your heart and/or body to someone; as soon as you enter into a relationship you run this very real risk. It is inescapable. On a side note, love is never just physical. You cannot fool around or have sex, and leave your mind and heart out of it. What would happen if someone walked up to you, punched you in the stomach and said, "Hey man don't get angry, it's just physical." Would you feel nothing about what just happened?
This is why romance should be handled even more carefully than old, unstable dynamite sticks. The explosive properties of love demands such deep respect. The countless heart carcasses that have, and are currently piling up that have been blown apart by attraction gone wrong, are evidence to this fact.
Other than a walk with God through Jesus Christ, loving someone is the most all consuming and life changing thing that can take place in someone's life. For loving someone to actually function and prosper, it is critical that we have an accurate view, and a solid grasp of the basics of pursuing and finding a woman, because these principles carry straight into marriage.
Dating. The what, why, how, when, and who of dating must be correct to avoid calamity, emotional ruin, and to gain a lifetime of joy and purpose in marriage.
The "WHAT"
I will start with the "what". What is dating? Dating, as we know it, is a recent phenomenon in world history. In roughly 6000 years of human civilization, "dating" has only been practiced since the early 1900's. We should take a close look at this fact as the average marriage today is in shambles. This trend eerily follows the dating phenomenon. As the dating percentage has gone up, the state of the average marriage has plummeted. Divorce rates are over 50% for first marriages, and climb significantly for second and third marriages. Those are just the statistics for marriages, and do not include the ever popular "living together", and common law marriages. Sadly, adultery and cheating is currently almost expected to happen. http://recomparison.com/comparisons/101101/divorce-rate-u-s-vs-world/ It is no coincidence that since the inception of dating around 100 years ago, the state of the average marriage has declined dramatically. And yes, there were of course abusive marriages before divorce become popular, but the idea of staying in the room and fighting for marriage to work, is hardly even an option anymore. It seems that since the 60's especially, you can apparently "fall out of love". The stats on how many men (and some women) that regularly look at porn are shocking. http://www.sync-blog.com/sync/2010/06/internet-porn-stats-should-parents-be-concerned.html These stats have also been climbing upward along a steep curve on the grid in the last 100 years. "I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart. I will set no worthless thing before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not fasten its grip on me. A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil." Psalm 101:2-4 This is all directly linked to the sad, and filthy state of our societies sexual immorality. The last step in a nation's total demise, after political, military, and financial mistakes, almost always has to do with the state of its sexual immorality. I.e. Rome, the Middle East, certain European countries, Israel, and many others. Canada and the US are currently on the brink. The "relative" society we now live in takes a very grey stand on this issue, and as a result, the moral state of our culture is pathetic. Someone who claims to know right from wrong is not tolerated. Actually, I've found that the only thing that the average North American does not tolerate, is intolerance. Interesting self-refuting thinking there... "Tolerance is the virtue of a man without convictions." G.K. Chesterton Dating as we know it is very similar to fast food. Cheap, quick, and as long as it looks, smells, and tastes somewhat like the real thing, it's considered a good deal. But the way dating is currently defined and practiced has no real substance; only terrible and depressing aftermath. Why is this? Because dating as we know it, is selfish. Pure and simple. There are many different ways people dress up and deny this truth, but at the core of it, dating is meant to satisfy your selfish and carnal desires. How one person treats the other, is completely dependent on how the other person treats them. "I'll satisfy your carnal selfish wants, if you will do the same for me." This is the basis for a high percentage of relationships. Outside of a miracle, divorce, affairs, and cheating are guaranteed. I touched on this point in my earlier write-ups on authentic manhood, but I will say it again. Why would a boy take on the responsibilities and the honor of becoming a man, if he can get all the benefits of marriage right now? How can one expect to act like a man, if he has not gone through the process of becoming one?! The average guy (in his teenage years, twenties, or older) is the direct result of hours on the X-Box, porn, MTV, laziness, lack of real work and solid examples to look to and follow after. The vast majority of girls today make these pathetic "relationships" possible. Why would a boy become a man, if he can have all the perks of manhood without working for it? Like a rich, spoiled kid who gets what he wants, exactly when he wants it, this "instant-coffee" lifestyle will be void of satisfaction. Life can become very empty very quickly. When a guy is working towards a goal, having something to look forward to, he usually works all the more intensely, and with focus. He is motivated. This delayed gratification is worth more than any quick, cheap substitutes. If you give a crying baby what he wants every time, what happens? He whines for more and is never satisfied despite getting everything he wants. Even secular books print guidance for new parents, advising them to not give in every time their newborn cries (assuming the child has been fed, changed, and clothed). However, this is exactly what is done with almost every singly guy today. They are crying boys with wives and girlfriends who despite baseless threats at times, give them what they want. But just like gravity, there is a system God has put in place we can not get away from. He even gives us the breath that we curse Him with. We can't decide to stop our heart from beating for even a few seconds! Yet we still think we are in control. He desires to protect us from ourselves, but we baulk and fight Him. Wanting our way, and wanting it now. Taking no account of how this will hurt us, and those around us. We will never shock God with our sin, or impress him with our "good works" for that matter, but he is patient with us. He demonstrates such love for us by not only choosing to not strike us dead on the spot, but gives every person a chance to turn to Him before it's too late. Sexual sin is the only sin the Bible says to run from. You can stay, and fight a lot of different sins, but this one, this one has your number. You will lose to it. It is only a matter of time. Do not hang around this one; just run. "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;" (1 Corinthians) The Bible says getting exactly what our carnal heart wants, is a death sentence. (Romans 6:23, 3:23, Acts 5, Joshua 7) Teenagers in baggy cloths and "skinny" jeans holding hands, walking in and towards more destruction. Emotional and spiritual torment replace the happiness and fulfillment they are looking for. Even though their bodies grow up, these boys and girls never do. Playing the same losing game year after year. Often with a different face. Stacking up regrets and baggage at a furious rate. Always taking, but never truly giving. This results in never recieving the true blessings of romantic relationships done the way God designed. This is such a waste, and it breaks my heart every time I see it... Dating, courting, or whatever you choose to call it, should have one purpose and goal; Marriage. Anything else is wrong, and is at best, playing Russian roulette with a loaded pistol.
The "WHY"
Why does a man enter into a romantic relationship at all? Why should he even both with the world of women? Purpose. Boys are hardwired by God to desire manhood, and fulfill that role, even if it costs them dearly. Because there is such purpose in providing, protecting, and loving a woman the way God designed. The second chapter in the Bible hits on this issue, "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”" Marriage, carries with it, so much fulfillment. God saw that men would not make it on their own. He must have looked down on man and thought, "This guy is not going to make it on his own. I'll get him some help."
This brings me to the topic of equality between men and women. I won't spend much time on it because I don't think it warrants it. If you read the Bible and take what it says without looking for hidden meanings which are not there, and let the Bible mean what it says, then you will see that God teaches total equality between men and women. Jesus broke many rules in his time by speaking with women in public, which was frowned upon. Both men and women are considered equal in His eyes. But the Bible also teaches something that presently grates on societies view of feminism. Women have a responsibility and job to do, and men have a responsibility job to do. These are very different jobs and roles that God has put into every thread of the fabric of men and women. What started as equality for women, turned into extreme feminism which, since the 1960's, has swung the pendulum so far to the other side of the issue, that the roles and responsibilities of men and women have become so distorted. Sadly, "total propaganda", is putting it mildly. I plan to write much more on this in my next post on marriage. Now, right off the bat, the first married couple self-destructed fairly quickly when they disobeyed God. And God's judgement on the sin they committed, clarified our different roles. To the woman he said, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” To Adam he said, “Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, ‘You must not eat from it,’ “Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return.” This states the hard work that is now guaranteed for men. Being a man, and husband, requires work; and lots of it. If you are not prepared for this, I would recommend steering clear of any type of romantic relationships. Even though this is a curse for men, there can be joy and blessing in it. King Solomon writes, "This is what I have observed to be good: that it is appropriate for a person to eat, to drink and to find satisfaction in their toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given them—for this is their lot." But a man who is ready to begin a relationship with a woman already understands that hard work is part of life. A healthy perspective on work is crucial for a relationship and marriage to work. And women, despite God adding pain to childbirth, still have much purpose and can bring glory to God by raising kids. "And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." (1 Timothy) This means that women can have a bigger impact on the world than men (even though men have the leadership role), because they are the ones that are with boys and girls in their most influential years; and play the biggest part in forming their character and bringing them up into Godliness. Since women shape the future men and women of tomorrow, then they have a massive responsibility. They also are the ones who create the home that men need to have, to succeed in their own roles and responsibilities. Ok, now back to the "why" of pursuing a women, i.e. dating/courting. A guy who spends his days just fulfilling his own selfish wants, lives a pretty meaningless life. There is no great purpose built on a life engineered around selfishness. God has designed sacrifice to bring meaning and purpose. The Son of God himself set the example when it comes to serving someone else, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." (Mark 10:45) Relationships should not be taken lightly. Far from it. Getting married is the most serious and significant thing a man can do. Marriage has more potential to challenge, change, destroy, rebuild, and shape a man (and women) more than anything else in this life. God designed it this way. Marriage is the best way for us to understand and live out what Christ did for us when he took the death penalty that had our name on it. And because we are so imperfect, this process can be very uncomfortable, and painful at times. It has the capacity to rip the selfishness right out of you. But in general, the more work something requires, the more it is worth it in the end. He wants men to live for their wives in the way that He died for us. I consider the decision to die for my wife an easy one. Living for her is a whole other ball game. This is why a man chases manhood and marriage. This is why he should. It will conform a person to the character of Jesus Christ more than anything. And I mean anything.
The "WHEN"
In my opinion, this is one of the most distorted aspects of romantic relationships. Little boys who can't even drive yet, know what foreplay is. Girls who haven't hit puberty, have already begun their training in the art of seducing a guy. Parents giving their little girls into the hands of a boy they wouldn't trust with their lawnmower, or parents who do not care enough to discipline and mentor their son. But instead justify their kids awful behaviour with, "boys will be boys.", or "ou know teenagers. They need time to figure things out.", or "Oh, but she looks so cute!" referring to their daughter's promiscuous attire. What happened to fiercely protecting a kid's innocence? Where have the days gone of building forts and tea parties?
I am all for learning from experience, but for some lessons, personal experience is far from helpful. I.e. Wondering if a brick dropped on your head would hurt; or if laying down in the middle of a highway to see what happens. Some end results are just obvious.  
photos:Google
(http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/girls-are-growing-up-too-fast-511529.html) Completing high-school is not a sign that a boy is a man and ready to take care of a woman. Completing college or university is not a marker that a guy is ready to pursue a woman. Does high-school or university train boys how to become men? Do these state run institutions teach boys how to take care of a woman some day? Far from it. If truth be told, the opposite happens at these places. The product of fools spending time with fools, is far too evident. "If we continue sending our children to Caesar for their education, then we need to stop being surprised when they come home as romans." - V. Baucham And this is most obvious when it comes to the so called dating between boys and girls (of all ages). Voddie Baucham does an excellent talk on preparing for marriage. http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=12310174551 There really is no marker set in place for boys and girls to aspire to. The reality, is a complete lack of examples to follow. External circumstances and social positions in themselves, have no bearing on whether a boy can begin a romantic relationship. Looking around at friends will rarely provide an authentic example to model after, but rather, only affirmation of their pending downfall. For a man to pursue a women correctly, unfortunately means standing culturally very alone. Boys and girls as far as the eye can see in every direction, feeding their sinful lusts with promised drinks of sweetness, that turns to poison on the way down. If any of these boys end up in a marriage, it is not to take on the difficult role of a man and husband; but for sex, and to be mothered by their wife. If a guy is not ready to be a father, he has no place being in any type of romantic relationship. They believe what our culture tells them; that they are somehow owed something in this life. That they deserve a certain lifestyle and benefits of manhood without earning any of it.
*If there are any women reading this that can relate in some way to what I am pointing out, I beg you, please stop enabling your man. Life is hard enough without having to babysit the man that should be the one protecting and caring for you.*
A man must be able to stand in the gap between the hardships of the world and his family, as much as humanly possible. Not vise-versa. A guy who needs his wife (or girlfriend) to take care of problems that are his responsibility, is a significant red flag that things are not right. I believe this is why a wife of one of these "boys", get her emotional needs met by her children instead of her husband. Her affirmation comes through her children. This is so wrong on many levels. It is a symptom, and a clear window into what is so lacking; a husband and a man willing to put his wife, and kids, first. A woman can never feel safe in this existence. She has no room to grow and blossom in they way God designed a wife to do so. How can she, when she is forced to do so much of her man's job? So when is it time for a man to pursue a woman? The answer is simple, but a difficult thing to aspire to. You can pursue a woman when, and only when, no one is taking care of you in 3 fundamental ways. One) Emotionally. A man must be stable emotionally. Not prone to mood swings and oversensitivity. He will possess self-control. Emotionally strong; courageous under fire. Putting his wife in priority above everything else, including himself. This does not mean never shedding "man tears" or never getting emotional, but it does mean a true man must put his own emotional needs second to his family if the situation calls for it. He must be respected by those around him; his life will automatically produce this character quality if he is striving to become more like Christ. Proverbs 31, "Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land." Two) Financially. The man does not need to be wealthy, but be must able to provide and support his family. Proverbs 14, "All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty." A solid work ethic is critical for a man to take care of his wife and family. It is far too easy to find a guy who jumps from job, to job, to job, at the slightest sign of discomfort. University does not help this character flaw (laziness) as students transfer from major to major. Always looking for the job that doesn't seem like work. Maybe I can help anyone reading this is who looking for that occupation. THAT - JOB - DOES - NOT- EXIST. Hard work is the call to every man that draws breath. Proverbs 28 "Those who work their land will have abundant food, but those who chase fantasies will have their fill of poverty." And chapter 22 "Do you see someone skilled in their work? They will serve before kings; they will not serve before officials of low rank."
Ecc. 9 "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom."
(This is not an excuse to become a workaholic. Being a Godly husband and father is far more important, and more difficult I might add, than succeeding in business.)
All a man needs, is a solid work ethic, and being willing to do whatever it takes to provide for his family.
Three) Spiritually. This is the most important of the three; although all three must be present before a man can inter into a relationship. Being the head of a household is a daunting and serious responsibility for a man. Let me stress heavily that this does NOT mean a man can abuse his role of the head of the marriage and family like a war general. This means setting the example and tone, for how his family will live for Christ in this depraved world. It also means the man (along side his wife) is responsible to train up his children; not a Sunday, or public school teacher.
To be the leader of a home does not mean making all the decisions like a dictator. This translates into serving his wife and family before any of his own needs. It means that if a big decision needs to be made by a certain time, and he and his wife can't come to an agreement after a lot of discussion and prayer, then it is the man's terrible responsibility to make the decision. If he is right, he must not gloat. And if he is wrong, his wife must not say, "I told you so.".
If a man's faith is not the most important and prized thing in his life, then he will never have anything of eternal value to give to his wife and kids. His wife or girlfriend (or something in this temporal world) will be in a very real sense, his god, impossibly responsible for all, or the lack of his happiness, identity, and fulfillment. No human can live up to that. Humans are too flawed and guaranteed to let each other down.
For a man to arrive at a place where he can lead a woman of God, he must first have some type of crisis of faith. He must come to a place in his mind and heart where Christ is first in his life, and be willing to sacrifice everything to serve Him if it comes to it. Jesus said this on the issue,
"As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head. He said to another man, “Follow me. But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him... Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”" (Luke 9)
Until a man gives up everything for the sake of Christ, he is not ready for a woman. God designed marriage to be the most ideal way that men and women can, metaphorically speaking, live out what Jesus did for them when he died on the cross.
Paul writes this, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."
What an amazing gift, and privilege for a man to lay down his life for his woman!
The "HOW"
Ok, so how does one "date"? How does one navigate the delicate process of pursuing a women? Well first off, the girl should never be the one chasing the guy. A friend told me once this recent phenomenon of girls hunting the guys is like a girl putting on the war paint (make-up), and starting down the war path to find a guy. I always laugh when I think of this analogy, but it is so true. Men are the ones who should do the finding.
"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." - King Solomon.
Until a girl is married, she belongs to her dad. He is the one responsible for her until she gets married. Unfortunately, the current norm is a boy and girl beginning a romantic relationship followed by them telling the dad what their plans (or lack there of) are. If a guy asks her father for permission to marry, he is considered going above and beyond the call of duty. This puts the dad in a no-win situation. His daughter's heart already belongs to this guy. By the boy going behind the father's back he is in essence stealing his daughter from him. This is straight up theft.
Once a man has made up his mind that he wants to pursue a certain woman, he should approach the girl's dad and tell him about his desire for his daughter. This keeps everything "on the table", and makes for a very healthy and solid start to a relationship. The world we live in mocks this way of dating/courting despite only being able to offer the end result of emotional torment from the commonly held thinking that you can do what you want, when you want. with no aftermath. The world's (very popular) alternative of "if it feels good do it", guarantees nothing but anguish of the mind and heart. It is not about being old-school or old fashioned; it is about doing what is right. "Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all." - Winston Churchhill Now, I have seen many dads abuse their role of fatherhood by controlling and overprotecting their daughters from the world of romance. It is a maddening thing to see when it happens. It is one thing to protect his girls from the excess garbage of the world. It is quite another, to control and manipulate his daughter from the prospect of another man coming into her life. The verse from the Bible these dad's often hide behind is from Eph. 6 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—" There is a key word there: CHILDREN The Bible demands obedience from children towards their parents so they can (hopefully) learn to avoid the ditches on the road of life. Once a man or woman reaches authentic adulthood then they are no longer obligated to obey their parents. Respect them, but not unquestioning obedience. Right after that verse Paul writes "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Parents have a massive responsibility to train their kids correctly. This is so they want need to tell them how to live in every area of their lives. I can't stress it enough how important it is to stay away from the physical part of romance until you are married. This is so hard as it is, let alone the staggering pressure from friends, and 90% of TV channels, the web, and society in general. You are the one that has to live with the full impact of your decisions, not MTV, not Saturday Night Live, or any of your friends. You will feel the sharp and often unrelenting pain of regret. Lighting that fire prematurely is a lot like driving on black ice. Easy to speed up. Impossible to slow down. The man who knew more about romance then any before, or after him, still fell prey to sexual sin. He wrote this, "Do not arouse or awaken my love until the time is right." (King Solomon approximately 940 BC) It is one of the biggest lies being sold and bought today; that you can fool around and have sex with whoever, and whenever you want, without paying for it. You do pay, and the price is very steep. And you will pay for a long time, if not for life. No one is unsalvageable for God, far from it. But less, is so much more in this area. It is baggage you don't have to carry, and work through with your wife. Christa and I, by God's grace, did not sleep with anyone before we met. And when we married as virgins, it was such a priceless gift to each other. But believe me, it was not easy to wait. But here's the thing; it is far from a one time gift. It is something you give to each other over and over again for life! It borders on the supernatural. This is meant to encourage anyone reading this who is toying with the idea of giving your body away before someone fully earns it. It is worth it to wait! And if you are in a relationship you know is immoral by God's standards, get out before more damage is done. No two love stories are the same. But how you choose to date and pursue a woman, tells a whole lot about what kind of man you are, and what kind of man you will be like tomorrow. Dating is not permanent, but what you do in that time, is. This can translate into your worst nightmare, or untold amounts of blessing. Dating should be a focused, purposeful, unselfish and God honouring. If this is the case, then the couple is able to really enjoy the process without guilt or regrets showing their ugly selves. Genuine fun comes very easily. (Here is a write up my wife Christa wrote a couple years ago about some of our love story if you are interested: http://christavanderham.blogspot.com/2009/07/sacred-story.html) The "WHO"
We are told that the best girl to be with, is one that is "compatible". Someone who likes what you like. Interested in the same things as you. Every major dating site matches people by this method (this does not mean "compatibility" is in itself wrong, but what is considered to be the most crucial ways in which one is to be compatible with the other, is almost always far off the mark).
 
photos:Google
"There is no such thing as a perfect woman. But if there was a perfect woman, what makes you think she would choose you?" - P. Washer I love that quote. It's so true. I am a firm believer that there is no "one person" for someone to marry. Love is a choice. Pure and simple. Proverbs 18 "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD." "Compatibility" is generally code for: "I'll give you what you selfishly want, if you give me what I selfishly want. And as long as we do that, we'll be fine." This is not love. This is infatuation, pride, sex drive, and pure carnal selfishness. When life hits the fan (and it will), a relationship will not last. It will not thrive. Best case scenario the couple puts up with each other year after year until the fate of all takes them. A gloomy prospect. A prosperous marriage is based on Christ dying for us. A man and woman who enters a relationship with the understanding and game plan to love the other no matter what, will have more authentic love then they know what do with. They might even be in good enough shape as a couple, to pour into the lives of others. This is what God has designed for those who do it His way. This results in the absence of the all too common emotional inbreeding that constitutes most romantic relationships. Choosing. This is why true love can be so attainable, but it is the primary reason why it is next to impossible for the carnal human to do. Everything prebuilt in a person from birth, rejects the idea of sacrifice. Giving with no conditions. How you treat her has no bearing on how she treats you.
You circumstances do not dictate how much purpose you have in life.
God does not need a certain scenario to work with. He is sovereign and not dependent on what we decide. The one powerful enough to He lets us choose. Geppetto created Pinocchio and let him make his own decisions. That didn't go so well...but that is exactly how God is with us. He creates us and gives us the freedom to choose. And the second most important choice a person make sin life is who they will be with for life. This unfortunately does not necessarily mean who you marry, but who you give your heart to. I see married couples whose hearts are elsewhere. They are still attached to someone, or some fantasy, of what they think is romantic bliss. The "meat market" of so called love and happiness is not worth your life. I need to stress again how important it is to see each other in many different situations. How does he or she handle life's struggles? Where do they get their purpose and hope. If the relationship is only resting on presence of good times and good feelings, then it is a synthetic romance. A fake. Christa and I were able to see each other in many difficult circumstances while we got to know each other before marriage. And who knew how much that would be needed, with what we would face right after our honeymoon. Everyone faces some kind of trial(s) in life. Don't you want the person you will be married to for life, be able to stand next to you in the face of it? I have a lot more to say on how I think dating should be done. I would be happy to respond to specific questions via email. I want to stay very close to Scripture, as I try through my human efforts, to explain and outline the best way to navigate the daunting world of romance, but the absolute essential and critical character qualities needed for a successful relationship, are born directly from life submitted to the Lordship of Jesus Christ.
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Here is an excellent talk on the issue of modern dating, by Paul Washer out of the US.
That wraps up my "nut shell" thoughts on the what, why, how, when, and who of dating. I plan to hopefully soon write a post dedicated to marriage. The stakes in life do not get any higher then those of marriage. Now, I am going to say something that I have found most people think borders on insanity.
Men cannot be "just friends" with women.
Something I will clarify, is that I do not believe men should spend time 1-on-1 with a woman who is not their wife or "significant other", having long talks on the phone, or exchanging personal emails and texts. The surface day to day relationships and acquaintances a man has with women are obviously fine. Please hear me that I am not saying to have no general interaction with women who are not your significant other, or your wife. It is when they become even the slightest bit more than that, but keep the same title as a "friend". The downside to this, FAR outweighs the upside. What a man has to gainfrom these types of relationships is very small to the risk he runs. What is this risk? What danger is there in going for coffee with a woman who is "just a friend"? Doesn't the very thought that this is improper bring to mind words like, "chauvinistic pig" or "sexist"? Well, men and women are designed for a relationship, and it is only a matter of time spent with each other, before something happens in some form or another, to at least one person involved. God designed men and women to be bonded to one person for life. So when a man comes up with whatever justification he chooses, and spends time with another women he plays with a grenade that has no safety pin. The possible end result, is not worth taking part in any of the process.
Now, I know the argument that if you are single this lifestyle is completely acceptable. But think about it this way; habits are a powerful thing, and they will carry into, and can resurface in a "good" marriage, let alone a "struggling" one.
Weaknesses are magnified by 10X in marriage, but on the plus side so are real strengths. But why would a man, who is used to spending time (coffee, phone chats, or email) with different women over the span of a month, let's say, would stop, or want to stop just because he is married? Women (and vise versa for men towards women) who complain about this are thought to be untrusting and assuming the worst. No, avoiding time one-on-one with the opposite sex is one way that trust can be built.
photos:Google
I, at the same time was thinking along similar lines regarding Facebook. Anyways, I also decided not to have friends of the opposite sex on my Facebook. This attitude has translated into a total lack of time spent 1-on-1, phone chats or even emails within the realm of "friendships" with women for myself, and for guys with Christa. If a girl really needs to tell me something, she can contact Christa, and vise versa for guys who want to talk with Christa.
We both came to the conclusion that there is no real benefit to the opposite of this. Hypothetically, what do I have to really gain from a photo album of a girl I knew 5 years ago, camping and swimming with her friends?
Doesn't Christa really trust me? Absolutely.
Do I implicitly trust Christa? Without the slightest doubt. Is this trust built on a lack of contact with friends of the opposite sex? No; it is built on the fact that we are far more important to, and love each other so much, to even allow the slightest room for temptation. (Some of our brothers actually, who are single, have done this recently with their Facebook accounts, and they all say it has been such a lack of distraction and a huge blessing in their lives.)
Some interesting statistics..
http://thetechjournal.com/internet/facebook-is-the-new-cause-of-divorce.xhtml
http://www.squidoo.com/internet-affairs#module13511040
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/facebook/6857918/Facebook-fuelling-divorce-research-claims.html
Is it a sin to go out for coffee with a woman who is not your wife? No. Is it a sin to drink alcohol? No. Is it a sin to type certain words into the Google search bar? No.
Sin is often a slow process. Often in the form of "soft kill". A fading and a blurring of the lines. No one wakes up one morning, and decides to be a murderer or rapist. But we all have the capability to be one. (The movie "Hitler Youth" is a major eye opener to the fact that everyone has the capacity to do unbelievable evils.)
Having coffee with a women you are not married to, can lead to a nightmare. Drinking till drunk, can result in taking the bus to work for 6+ months (I have seen this very often). And typing debatable words into Google, is the best way to "come across" eye candy that will chronically poison you into things you swore you would never see or do.
Jesus' half-brother (Since Jesus' entrance into the world came from a virgin, this would result in siblings being a half-brother or half-sister) James wrote this on the process of sin, "...but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."
Why take the first few steps down a road that has a "BRIDGE OUT" sign? What is at the end of that road? Gravity, and death. Why walk along the edge of a cliff? Maybe I see this very differently than some, but it resembles a long lost concept: logic. Just because certain things are not in the Ten Commandments, or explicitly described in the Bible, does not mean it gives you the "OK" to pursue them. Many things that don't fall directly into the sin category, can definitely fall into the "stupid", or "moron" category. Many sins begin with a nice outer shell. Nothing too shocking, and very relative. When you want to deceive someone, you have to make a lot of subtle moves for the trap to be successful. It is never a one shot deal for a con artist.
Paul writes about the "grey" things in life. ""I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor. 10)
Some of you reading this, know the agony Christa and I have endured over the past few years, and some of you might not. But I want to write about a small fraction of my journey, as a husband who most days, is forced to helplessly watch his wife be tortured relentlessly by a disease, that drags her to the point of seizures and passing out from the pain.
(Here is a link to a post from Christa with some videos showing how much pain she endures daily: http://christavanderham.blogspot.com/2010/07/videos-to-paint-better-picture.html)
I have almost reason, and more excuse, than anyone I know to look for pleasure or happiness, in the "grey" areas.
When Christa is pinned down by the physical pain for week after week, month after month, and now year after year, do I not have the right to spend some time with a woman who can feed and dress herself without assistance? Should I not be allowed to go for a bike ride or walk, with a woman who doesn't need to be literally carried back into the house after only a few steps? Isn't it all right under the circumstances, that I share a few emails, texts, and light hearted phone calls with a woman who is not frozen with pain? Do I not have the excuse to let my eyes wander through web page after web page at pretty women who are not vomiting for hours on end?
Well...is it?
It is more than a clean conscious; it is a real joy and even happiness to be a husband to my gorgeous wife the way God wants me to in this uninvited nightmare. Often it does not feel like sacrifice. In a sense, doing things God's way is selfish. I am the one who benefits the most, just like in the opposite scenario, I am the one who would suffer most. Anything I do that is truly good is because of Jesus Christ, and anything sinful I do, is all on me. No one else.
I am flawed and without a doubt a sinner worthy of Hell, but I have been snatched from the conveyer belt feeding into the fires of Hell, and placed on a narrow but perfect road leading to Heaven. How can I not live out of joy and gratitude for that? Living for Christ in this depraved world is like walking on the edge of a razor blade. Perfect living is not an option. I will stumble; but a perfect desire for God and the things of God IS. If I have no excuse or reason to entertain sin, then I can conclude that you do not either. I am not the judge or jury. God writes the rules, and will carry out justice in His way and time. He is the architect of this life, and the next.
Because our marriage is built on the blueprints of Scripture, Christa and I are brought closer, and made stronger. (Jeremiah 17:7-8, Matthew 7:24-25) It provides purpose and reason to go on when there shouldn't be any. Love is a choice. The kisses Christa and I share, and the love we create is beyond anything Hollywood could concoct. The thought of a one night stand in comparison, stirs up nausea.
The "meat market" lifestyle, is repulsive in comparison.
This is the result of God's blessing on our lives. It is worth it to do life God's way. It is worth it to admit the truth, that you are helpless and self-destructing without Him. I don't know how else to convey this. I say this to encourage you to either keep on striving for Christ and his truth, or if you are living in unrepentant sin, turn from that life! Repent, and believe. There is no fence to sit on! Grey is not a color when it comes to Heaven and Hell. Morality will not save you. John 5:24 "Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life." That is what God wants from you.
Feel free to comment or send me an email (see "About Me" for email address). Thank you for taking the time to read the words I've written.
I pray God blesses you in the way He sees fit.
OOHHHHHH!!! Yeeeh Booiiiii!
ReplyDeleteYou seriously need to get published asap!
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing this with us!
ReplyDeleteit really helped me to understand a few things about me and what i should do in order to please God
thank you again!