THE PROBLEM
"Some People's Kids..."
I want to start my first post with some critical issues relating to manhood and what exactly it means to be a man. I grew up with three brothers and no sisters, so testosterone flowed freely. Bless my mom's heart. And so from a young age I began wondering what exactly constituted manhood, and what I needed to do to get there.
Where should one look for a model to follow?
Who is right and why? Why is manhood so important? Why should a boy even become a man? How do you know if you've reached it?
Genuine manhood, or the lack of it, is so closely linked to your time, habits, food/diet, friendships, romantic relationships, marriage and parenthood.
Before I explain the solution, I must outline the problem. Solutions are not worth much without the presence of a real problem. The current concept of what really makes up a real man is something that has been completely distorted and watered down in our culture. Manliness is presently defined by the amount of weight you can bench-press, the number of horses crammed under the hood of your car, the amount of beer that can pass through your system in a night, and how many girls you can leave your mark on. We use the word "man" very loosely. It's used in reference to pretty much anything that involves the interest of the male species. Hitting a golf ball a long way is "manly". Drinking beer after beer after beer, is "manly". Snowboarding off a cliff is "manly". Replacing sleep with Monster or Red Bull energy drinks is "manly". You get the idea. But all these things have quite literally nothing to do with genuine manhood, but our vocabulary betrays our ignorance too easily.
EVERYTHING in our society unashamedly preaches this. Gillette shaving commercials paint the idea that 5 blades instead of 4 is the break you need in life. The Coors Light commercials push the subliminal (and blatant) message that you can act 12 and get gorgeous girls, while spending every weekend golfing and watching football, with other 12 year olds in grown up bodies. You are told there is no real downside to having your priorities in this order. And the sad reality is, most if not 95% of guys buy into this smoke screen. The "make-believe". They not only have nothing of any value to show for years of living so selfishly, but they have significant physical, spiritual, and emotional debt in all major areas of their life.
There are few sights more pathetic than a boy who is in his 30's, 40's, or 50's and in some cases right through until old age. Here and there this guy might get a shot of guilt, and he will look around to compare his life to the lifestyles of his peers, as he has always done, and he feels better because they are all in the same place. Either logging hour after hour on the X-Box getting calluses only on their thumbs, taking better care of their F-150 than their wife, or being utterly lazy when it comes to the basic jobs around the house. Trying to work as little as possible at their jobs while avoiding being fired. The examples and symptoms of such immaturity are countless. Some habits and desires are not necessarily sinful or a horrible act in themselves; they're just plain stupid.
What a waste.
I truly believe this starts in the younger years. The children of today are taught directly, and indirectly, what should be valued and pursued in this life. Whenever I'm in a mall, near a school, theatre, or any place where you can get a good look at the average boy and girl, what I see just breaks me.
A "waste" is an understatement. The mall and Hollywood culture is dictating far more than we would like to admit. Healthy innocence disappearing far to early. The wisest man to ever live said "Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm." (King Solomon 970 B.C.)
This is unfortunately the case for most boys and girls growing up. Countless Fathers and Mothers do not raise their own kids anymore; someone else does. From nannies, to daycare, to pre-school. Parents allow the public school system to put other children alongside their children, right from the impressionable age of 5 until the often very expensive baby-sitting of college and university. (20,000 hours spent sitting in school not counting university or college.) When "leaving the nest" comes around, it is not primarily their parents' investments of time, education, efforts, discipline (lack of?), belief systems, impressions, and even thoughts that have been ingrained into their heads, but rather from someone else...
... Another attractive method of soft kill comes directly from the impressive brains behind MTV, Glee, One Tree Hill, Vampire Diaries, Gossip Girl, Desperate Housewives, and so on. The titles alone disclose their obvious content. When funneled into the hearts and minds of the millions of viewers, the first casualty is always the family unit, which erodes day by day. What fills the place of "the family" resembles a chaotic generation of immature who habitually self-destruct in their inbred selfishness. When you see such filth as seen on MTV etc. even young children are compelled by prematurely awakened sexual desires. They want to use "parts" they do not even HAVE YET, let alone ones they have earned yet!
One good quote I like is from Voddie Baucham, "...if we continue to send our children to Cesar for their education, they'll continue to come home as Romans."
The stats are staggering when it comes to comparing boys who spend more time with older guys to boys who don't. i.e. hunting and fishing trips.
(http://fathersforlife.org/divorce/chldrndiv.htm, http://www.photius.com/feminocracy/facts_on_fatherless_kids.html, http://www.newsworks.org/index.php/sixth-square/essay-works/item/8203-mentors-do-so-much-to-prevent-drop-outs, http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_hours_a_week_are_spent_in_school)
From drug use to divorce rates, the boys who get a good look at what older men do and don't do, self-destruct much less frequently. Go figure. This doesn't surprise me.
Animals don't even let their young learn from other young!
Animals don't even let their young learn from other young!
"Fools find no pleasure in understanding
but delight in airing their own opinions."
-King Solomon
Kids think they have it all figured out. Not just the egocentrically tolerated "attitude" of the adolescents in the modern west, but something far deeper. A pride and arrogance; always lacking in respect for others. Always putting their needs and more importantly, their WANTS far above the NEEDS of anyone else in any situation. They think just because they know how to use the apps on an iphone they don't have to respect others, including those who have been on this planet far longer than they have. King Solomon also said "The wise fear the LORD and shun evil, but a fool is hotheaded and yet feels secure."
When we see 10 year old boys and girls trying to dress and act like their peers, it makes my wife and I so sad. Hearing them talk back SO disrespectfully to the ones who bore them is so heartbreaking. Giving kids what they want, when they want it, mixed with very weak or no discipline at all, has frightening long-term results. These rebellious children grow up into becoming "adults" who carry all the same traits of a spoiled child. Modern psychology encourages this, despite the lack of any positive results. Basic logic seems to have completely disappeared sometime in the 60's. For someone to believe that there is a definite right and wrong based on a higher authority than one's personal and relative opinion, is currently considered to be "narrow minded".
...It must grieve God to see His beloved creation reject His design so openly and then go and believe they are avoiding consequences. Like a man jumping off a cliff, while believing he is avoiding gravity!!!
The call, challenge, and sense of urgency for boys to become real men who will sacrifice themselves for their women, kids, and country has all but completely faded long ago. Working hard and providing for your family is no longer really respected. Even in the short span from 1910-2010 a lot of the attitude regarding hard work has changed for the worse I'm afraid. Men aren't nearly as respected for putting food on the table. The standard kid expects so much. Cell phone, top end clothing, ipods, and rides to and from where they want to go. Why their parents enable them to arrive at this sad a state, I have no idea. Too tired from the duel income lifestyle, perhaps?
Boys are often so enabled to stay in boyhood. Their mom and/or wife, are still taking care of them in ways they should not need help with (after age 9 anyway). Why would a boy WANT to, or think he NEEDS to become a real man if he can have all the benefits of manhood today, without taking the responsibility? Why work hard (or at all) at a job, if your parents or WIFE is financing most of your living and entertainment costs? Why fully mature into manhood before starting a relationship with a woman, if you can find a girl who will fool around and sleep with you right now? The women of "today" so enable the guys it borders on encouragement. Handing them the "bullets" to shoot themselves in the foot with, then complaining about blood on the carpet.
A boy wants to be viewed and respected as a man by his friends and family, without earning and taking any of the responsibility.
With few to no legitimate examples to model oneself after, the result is often boys telling other boys,
"You're the man!", "No, You're the man!"
Can you see how this might be an unreliable source of manhood qualifications?
A boy wants to be viewed and respected as a man by his friends and family, without earning and taking any of the responsibility.
With few to no legitimate examples to model oneself after, the result is often boys telling other boys,
"You're the man!", "No, You're the man!"
Can you see how this might be an unreliable source of manhood qualifications?
In so many ways it is like a line of credit for guys. Many boys are VERY familiar with a line of credit (because they are almost guaranteed to have one).
Boy: "I want this 42" LCD + speaker system today."
FutureShop: "Are you able to pay the $3400.00 up front?"
Boy: "No..."
FutureShop: "Well that's no problem! Because we offer a DO NOT PAY for 90 days option. And after that only 5% interest for 24 months"
Boy: "Sweet! I'll take it."
This sounds like a great deal to most guys. It's the same with friendships, dating, marriage, and even having kids. Even though society is geared to dodging the uncomfortable process of coming into manhood (and it IS uncomfortable), the piper WILL be paid. One day, you will have to eat the cost. But the vast MAJORITY of guys go through life this way! They take the bait and buy what the world is selling despite the fact it's one smoke screen after another.
I don't put a lot of serious weight into personal experience as being the bar or guidelines for how life should be lived, but God has created a system which works a lot like gravity. You can't avoid it for very long.
Listen very carefully. Selfishness is WILDLY overrated.
The return on the investment of a life spent living every day for the best feelings possible, in a world that revolves completely around you, is sad and pathetic. This is a stock you want to unload YESTERDAY.
The return on the investment of a life spent living every day for the best feelings possible, in a world that revolves completely around you, is sad and pathetic. This is a stock you want to unload YESTERDAY.
If you haven't experienced significant loss living this way already, then you will. No one has been able to escape from this reality yet. Oh don't get me wrong, you may be somehow playing your selfish cards correctly and gain a lucrative business, while having a visually stunning girl to call your own, but these are shadows. Morning fog that dissipates faster than you could even get a camera ready to take a picture. They carry no real weight in themselves.
I have not created these truths. The author is Creator God. But I have learnt a few of them in my short life on this tiny planet.
Now, I also must make something clear. Enjoying certain things like sports, hunting, time with guys, and fast cars is not a bad thing in themselves! Most of my interests and hobbies involve basketball, fitness, golf, carpentry, and fast motorcycles. But they fall far down the list of what is worth keeping me up at night. These male "interests" are NOT where someone should look for a definition of manhood.
This brings me to the question, "How do you know when you've reached manhood?" Well, I believe that the Bible is the ultimate bar-setter for life. Isaiah the prophet said this about God's wisdom compared to man's,
""For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
""For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the LORD.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
So I go to the Bible to piece together the qualities that define a man.
This is touched on even in the first book of the Bible, in Genesis "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh." This is probably the most obvious sign that you have reached the basic level of manhood. When you can stand independently of your parents. Emotionally, spiritually, and financially. If dad still pays your cell phone bill, or if mom cleans up after you and cooks every meal for you, then you might want to start doing some serious self evaluation.
Paul writes, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."
Now, I want to write about the most important aspect and insight into manhood. Because let's say you have all these manhood qualities and characteristics in place perfectly, there is the very real possibility that you have missed the entire boat all together. Authentic manhood is truly all resting on what exactly is motivating you to be a "man". The why you want to be a man, is of far greater significance then how you will act like a man. It is critical to have the right fire fuelling this desire. Because the reality is, that no one can live perfectly, or close to it if you go by God's standards. Failure will occur. The external signs of manhood SHOULD point to the internal reasons for the thing. Genuine heart change WILL NOT LAST unless the reason for the change is Jesus Christ.
You cannot become a man by changing the outer shell of oneself. Many guys can work hard and provide well for their families, remain faithful to their wives, and even be respected in the community. But without Jesus Christ this is meaningless; carrying no weight into eternity. Unless we repent of our carnal shortcomings and habitual selfishness, then broken, turn to the Truth found only in Jesus Christ, it is all meaningless.
Ecclesiastes-
"When there is a man who has labored with wisdom, knowledge and skill, then he gives his legacy to one who has not labored with them. This too is vanity and a great evil. For what does a man get in all his labor and in his striving with which he labors under the sun? Because all his days his task is painful and grievous; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is vanity.
There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God.
For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?"
Once the masculine heart is transformed and made brand new by God, sacrifice is the chief glue that holds any tangible qualities together relating to true manhood. Jesus Christ set the ultimate example of sacrifice when he died in your place. One of His closest disciples and friends, John, wrote this soon after Christ's death and resurrection, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." The way He sacrificed for us then, and how He loves us now, is not dependent on our performance even in the smallest way. This is the example we should follow. The way we treat others, should not be determined by how they treat us. (This is the foundation to a solid marriage, and I will write much more on this in another post.) Another close disciple of Jesus, Matthew, who was at one time a traitor to his own people, wrote:
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."
It's now time to really open both barrels of the solution to authentic manhood. The next chapter is coming soon. Feel free to leave me your comments.
Justin
You cannot become a man by changing the outer shell of oneself. Many guys can work hard and provide well for their families, remain faithful to their wives, and even be respected in the community. But without Jesus Christ this is meaningless; carrying no weight into eternity. Unless we repent of our carnal shortcomings and habitual selfishness, then broken, turn to the Truth found only in Jesus Christ, it is all meaningless.
Ecclesiastes-
"When there is a man who has labored with wisdom, knowledge and skill, then he gives his legacy to one who has not labored with them. This too is vanity and a great evil. For what does a man get in all his labor and in his striving with which he labors under the sun? Because all his days his task is painful and grievous; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is vanity.
There is nothing better for a man than to eat and drink and tell himself that his labor is good. This also I have seen that it is from the hand of God.
For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?"
Once the masculine heart is transformed and made brand new by God, sacrifice is the chief glue that holds any tangible qualities together relating to true manhood. Jesus Christ set the ultimate example of sacrifice when he died in your place. One of His closest disciples and friends, John, wrote this soon after Christ's death and resurrection, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." The way He sacrificed for us then, and how He loves us now, is not dependent on our performance even in the smallest way. This is the example we should follow. The way we treat others, should not be determined by how they treat us. (This is the foundation to a solid marriage, and I will write much more on this in another post.) Another close disciple of Jesus, Matthew, who was at one time a traitor to his own people, wrote:
"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that."
It's now time to really open both barrels of the solution to authentic manhood. The next chapter is coming soon. Feel free to leave me your comments.
Justin
Here are some of my favourite and most potent links on the issue of manhood:
"What it Takes o be a Man"
Voddie Baucham
"A Sermon That Has Angered Many"
"Children of Caesar"
"Womanhood"
"Go Home and Love Your Wife"
I love your analogies and metaphors, they really depict an accurate picture of what you're trying to say, making it much more easy to understand!
ReplyDeletePassionate, accurate and inspirational. Curious about quoting Scripture in the non-traditonal way (i.e 'Solomon 930BC) - but hey its artistic, cool man.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard of reaching manhood the way you described it: "This is probably the most obvious sign that you have reached the basic level of manhood. When you can stand independently of your parents. Emotionally, spiritually, and financially."
ReplyDeleteInteresting thought.
Thanks for the comments. Each one is processed and taken to heart.
ReplyDeleteI try to quote Scripture in different ways. I grew up "in the church" and I noticed that I become too familiar with the Bible. It didn't feel like it really happened at a point in world history. The Bible is by FAR the most accurate and reliable collection of documents in antiquity. Using the scientific method, there is no reason not to believe what it says. I need to be reminded of this often.
Something V. Baucham said I like is this "...it is a reliable collection of historical documents written down by eye witnesses during the lifetime of other eye witnesses. They report to us supernatural events that took place in fulfillment of specific prophecies and claim to be divine rather than human in origin."
"Once the masculine heart is transformed and made brand new by God, sacrifice is the chief glue that holds any tangible qualities together relating to true manhood. Jesus Christ set the the ultimate example of sacrifice when he died in your place."
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you pointing out this defining part of true masculinity - "sacrifice". Its scary how far we have looked away from Jesus as the ultimate example of a man - in both directions ( too soft and too hard).
I think by not meeting the world's ideal of manhood , young men are driven to either overcompensate ( the bodybuilder, big truck etc..) or to give up and lash out against it in hurt and pain ( overt effeminity , even homoesexuality)...