Writing this has taken a lot longer than I had hoped; partly because Christa has had to take two especially traumatic ambulance rides in January, as well as dozens of brutal days scattered throughout the last couple months that have kept my mind and heart totally occupied with survival. I have sat down to write, and only been able to get a few sentences down before either, Christa needed me for medical reasons, or I realized I was far too emotionally spent to get anything coherent "down on paper". This post has been written in dozens of sittings. I have edited it, but if two parts do not seem to flow together, please let me know. Thank you for being patient for this write-up, if you had been waiting for it.
WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG?
Unending bliss, a prison cell, a journey, a backup plan, a ball and chain, paradise, a constant war.
These are all words that could, fortunately or unfortunately, easily describe marriage. The word 'marriage', currently has a vast array of different meanings to people nowadays. The words "I DO", have carried less and less weight with each passing generation. They are often, sooner or later followed by the words "I DON'T". The vows taken at the alter have become nothing more than lip service for the "old fashioned" family members you don't want to upset any longer by continuing to sleep together without wedding bands on.
The sources to which people look to for guidance in the world of love range from Oprah and Dr. Phil, to Google search engines and newspaper horoscopes, to your divorced friend's advice...
When a guy is getting married, phrases start to circulate like "ball and chain", "another one bites the dust", and "enjoy the last days of freedom!"
Is this really how the majority views marriage? That before you resign yourself to one woman, you better suck all the juice out of life while you still can, because soon enough you won't be able to enjoy anything!? If a couple appears happy, it is often assumed they are very newlyweds, or just starting their relationship.
God did not design the wedding band to be chains and irons that shackle, confine, and limit you from enjoying life. In fact it is the opposite. Marriage can activate your personal freedom, and make life infinitely sweeter.
96% of men get married, and 94% of women do so; but marriage seems to be the endeavour that far more often than not, people fail at. The stats on divorce, and general discontentment within marriage, are higher in human history then ever before. "Common Law" unions, or single life, haven't proved to be any more successful (See previous post on dating, for links to the surveys). We are obviously doing something very wrong, but why is there no change in the air? We seemed determined to repeat our mistakes.
One of the definitions of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. Yet, this is exactly what most people are doing in the world of so called romance. If someone were to drop down onto planet earth, at age 24 lets say, with no biases or preconceived ideas of anything, he would look around at how people are living their lives to get an idea of how he should live out his own life. His logical next step would be to examine the lives of the people who are thriving, and in turn, imitate them. But we seem to do the very opposite.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it would appear that over and over again, people are doing exactly what their friends, predecessors, and peers have done, despite the complete lack of contentment and the obvious emotional disarray of their lives. Of course, we are free to decide for ourselves what paths we will take, but what happens along that path is completely out of our hands once we've started down it; but the consequences still remain totally on us.
If you were extremely sore and bleeding from the side of your head, but couldn't figure out why, and someone came along and pointed out that every time you heard a song play you would grab your iPod and hit yourself in the head with it, would you keep doing it? Well, in the world of relationships, sex, family, and romance, that's exactly what most people do. They choose to keep hitting themselves with the iPod, but still moan and complain about the inevitable results that follow.
Currently, if a man has been married for longer than 3-5 years, doesn't beat, abuse, or threaten his wife or kids, is in fact employed, then he is considered a standup husband. Any other shortcomings are immediately overlooked and accepted. Why? Because the social standard for a real man, a real husband, and a father, has been dragged so pathetically low, that anything resembling the long lost genuine article, is more than a woman or anyone could possibly expect, right?
Marriage is a lot like the US dollar right now. It's value is dropping, and dropping fast because of this: Unbelievable amounts of cheap money (relationships) are being printed at a record rate because people want what they want, and they want it now. We want a new vehicle, 5 star vacations, and we want sex now, with only verbal I.O.U.'s as equity. Financial, and in this analogy, emotional debt piles up. This inevitably lowers the value of everything else, and in this case, marriage.
Instead of marriage being a fortress: a place of strength and comfort and an arena from which to face the world head on together, it is now often a place of strife, unhealthy conflict, and emotional inbreeding, let alone an example for others. Damage control is the name of the game. The garden of marriage where joy and growth should be happening, is substituted for a plot of ground where the body, heart, and soul whither away to a dried skeleton of long lost dreams.
I am not sure what you may be thinking at this point, but it may be that marriage can be fairly morbid and depressing. Well, yes it can actually. You might be saying, "You don't know my wife, she's a total wench."
The sources to which people look to for guidance in the world of love range from Oprah and Dr. Phil, to Google search engines and newspaper horoscopes, to your divorced friend's advice...
When a guy is getting married, phrases start to circulate like "ball and chain", "another one bites the dust", and "enjoy the last days of freedom!"
Is this really how the majority views marriage? That before you resign yourself to one woman, you better suck all the juice out of life while you still can, because soon enough you won't be able to enjoy anything!? If a couple appears happy, it is often assumed they are very newlyweds, or just starting their relationship.
God did not design the wedding band to be chains and irons that shackle, confine, and limit you from enjoying life. In fact it is the opposite. Marriage can activate your personal freedom, and make life infinitely sweeter.
So why then does the stereotypical marriage end up something like this?
 |
| (Courtesy of Herman Comics) |
It is a sad fact, but most marriages are spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. So much so, that survival has become the focus and the ultimate aspiration of the couple. The notion of a couple being strong and healthy enough as a unit to be able to help others can seem absurd. How can a married couple possibly give anything of themselves to others when their marriage is always in damage control mode? All energy and effort is focused on themselves. Not the great adventure marriage can be is it?
Young people are encouraged to stay single as long as possible, and enjoy the benefits of the single lifestyle. In Christian circles young people are told they are more pleasing to God as a single person. The attitude is go, serve the community all you can before it's too late and your "spiritual effectiveness" gets cut in half at the altar.
Yes, things do, and should change when you get married, obviously. But nothing along these lines; not even close.
96% of men get married, and 94% of women do so; but marriage seems to be the endeavour that far more often than not, people fail at. The stats on divorce, and general discontentment within marriage, are higher in human history then ever before. "Common Law" unions, or single life, haven't proved to be any more successful (See previous post on dating, for links to the surveys). We are obviously doing something very wrong, but why is there no change in the air? We seemed determined to repeat our mistakes.
One of the definitions of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again, but expecting a different result. Yet, this is exactly what most people are doing in the world of so called romance. If someone were to drop down onto planet earth, at age 24 lets say, with no biases or preconceived ideas of anything, he would look around at how people are living their lives to get an idea of how he should live out his own life. His logical next step would be to examine the lives of the people who are thriving, and in turn, imitate them. But we seem to do the very opposite.
Correct me if I'm wrong here, but it would appear that over and over again, people are doing exactly what their friends, predecessors, and peers have done, despite the complete lack of contentment and the obvious emotional disarray of their lives. Of course, we are free to decide for ourselves what paths we will take, but what happens along that path is completely out of our hands once we've started down it; but the consequences still remain totally on us.
If you were extremely sore and bleeding from the side of your head, but couldn't figure out why, and someone came along and pointed out that every time you heard a song play you would grab your iPod and hit yourself in the head with it, would you keep doing it? Well, in the world of relationships, sex, family, and romance, that's exactly what most people do. They choose to keep hitting themselves with the iPod, but still moan and complain about the inevitable results that follow.
Currently, if a man has been married for longer than 3-5 years, doesn't beat, abuse, or threaten his wife or kids, is in fact employed, then he is considered a standup husband. Any other shortcomings are immediately overlooked and accepted. Why? Because the social standard for a real man, a real husband, and a father, has been dragged so pathetically low, that anything resembling the long lost genuine article, is more than a woman or anyone could possibly expect, right?
One story I heard will always stick with me. The man told it something like this: "I was on a flight and I got into a conversation with the man I was sitting next to. After a little while he turned and asked me what I did. I answered, 'I'm a husband.' He said, 'No, I mean what do you DO?' I answered, 'I'm a father.' He then said, 'No, I meant what do you do for a living?' I answered, 'Does it matter?'"
I love this story because it hits a very touchy nerve in our culture. Our purpose and satisfaction is supposed to come from careers and status; not the role of a man before God. Because at the end of the day, if you fail as a husband and/or father before God, what does a career really matter?
Marriage is a lot like the US dollar right now. It's value is dropping, and dropping fast because of this: Unbelievable amounts of cheap money (relationships) are being printed at a record rate because people want what they want, and they want it now. We want a new vehicle, 5 star vacations, and we want sex now, with only verbal I.O.U.'s as equity. Financial, and in this analogy, emotional debt piles up. This inevitably lowers the value of everything else, and in this case, marriage.
Instead of marriage being a fortress: a place of strength and comfort and an arena from which to face the world head on together, it is now often a place of strife, unhealthy conflict, and emotional inbreeding, let alone an example for others. Damage control is the name of the game. The garden of marriage where joy and growth should be happening, is substituted for a plot of ground where the body, heart, and soul whither away to a dried skeleton of long lost dreams.
I am not sure what you may be thinking at this point, but it may be that marriage can be fairly morbid and depressing. Well, yes it can actually. You might be saying, "You don't know my wife, she's a total wench."
And she very well may be. But if your woman is a total delight, praise God. If she is quite difficult, praise God. Either way your life has no more or less purpose. Your role as her husband does not change. Your purpose and mission as a man is not happiness. It's to do the will of God. And His will is not hidden like an Easter egg hunt. It's laid out clearly in Scripture. The truth is, we just don't like what it says.
But just as realistically, it can be the most wonderful and purposeful endeavor you could ever dream of. It takes effort; lots of it.
So what should realistic expectations of marriage be? Is there even a right way to go through life and marriage? Where does one look for the correct definition, blueprint, and genuine examples of what real love, and real marriage look like? Where should one look? Should you expect to lose all your independency in marriage, and give up a life of enjoyment? Weekends with the boys now replaced with hours spent at art museums? I will get to this later in the post. See video for a funny, but unfortunately true depiction of most marriages, and what is applauded.
Marriage can be the most unforgiving reflection of your character, and who you really are. This can be viewed as a negative reality, or a brilliant design within marriage.
My last three posts on manhood and dating, in a sense, will be wrapped up in this one, as marriage is the ultimate culmination of genuine manhood, and pursuing a woman in a Godly way. There is no greater challenge, privilege, or purpose for a man in this life than marriage.
If you haven't already, I would be honored if you would read my posts previous to this one (on manhood and dating), as they will give you a clearer view of where I am coming from as I write this post.
I honestly do not have the expectation that everyone reading this will or should agree with me, as I am only a man, but my hope is to provide you with a better idea of my thought processes regarding marriage.
I am not a big fan of making assumptions, or forcing beliefs to work. I have intensely looked into the issues I've written about and hope to put "pen to paper" about in the future. I do my best to explain and give reason for the statements I make, as writing is a one way street of sorts. The reader cannot have an ongoing discussion with the writer about what he is, or isn't saying with his words (maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much:)). If you have questions or comments, feel free to post them at the bottom.
To explain the reasons for what I believe about something, is more for myself than anyone else. I don't really care if something is considered old fashioned or modern in how society views it; I am concerned with whether it is true or not.
I am not a big fan of making assumptions, or forcing beliefs to work. I have intensely looked into the issues I've written about and hope to put "pen to paper" about in the future. I do my best to explain and give reason for the statements I make, as writing is a one way street of sorts. The reader cannot have an ongoing discussion with the writer about what he is, or isn't saying with his words (maybe that's why I enjoy writing so much:)). If you have questions or comments, feel free to post them at the bottom.
To explain the reasons for what I believe about something, is more for myself than anyone else. I don't really care if something is considered old fashioned or modern in how society views it; I am concerned with whether it is true or not.
Life is very short, and very precious. To live and believe a lie, even a partial and especially one that is applauded, is in every way a waste... at best.
The topic of marriage is so deep and extensive, that I have no hope of covering all of it in one post (that is assuming I actually knew it all). So what I've decided to do, is take off from my previous platform of write-ups on manhood and dating, and write about marriage from what I know. Outlining the truths I've found as I tell "our story".
This may sound like an obvious choice, but writing from my life and perspective is both very personal and a risk; as it will give you, the reader, a in-depth viewpoint on my difficult journeys of the mind, and struggles of the heart. But to be honest, that is OK with me.
MY REASONS FOR WHAT I BELIEVE
"What then is the moral-spiritual reality we must acknowledge to thrive? What is the environment that liberates us if we confine ourselves to it, like water liberates fish? Love. Love is the most liberating freedom-loss of all. One of the principles of love - either love for a friend or romantic love - is that you have to lose independency to attain greater intimacy. If you want the "freedoms" of love - the fulfillment, security, sense of worth that it brings - you must limit your freedom in many ways. You cannot enter a deep relationship and still make unilateral decisions or allow your friend or lover no say in how you live your life. To experience the joy and freedom of love, you must give up your personal autonomy...and yet healthy love relationships involve mutual, unselfish service, a mutual loss of independence."
- Timothy Keller
And this next quote is from a man who married later in life, but lost his wife to cancer after only a few years of marriage.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything an your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully around hobbies and little luxuries...lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"
- Clive S. Lewis
So where have I decided to go to for the ultimate authority on marriage? I do not care whether something is from ancient history, or fresh off of societies presses, I will say it again: What I am concerned most with, is if something is TRUE or not.
The Word of God is my ultimate "filter" for which I pass all my beliefs, significant or small, through.
I, nor any other human, is the final authority on whether something is true or not. I have chosen the Bible as my blueprints for life, for very thought out rationale. The Bible does not help me deal with reality, it defines reality.
I do not have enough faith to be an atheist. Although, my desire to not be accountable, makes the willful ignorance of a higher power and authority, very appealing some days. Yes, God cannot be proven scientifically, but He also cannot be disproven scientifically. The further you go into science, you see order. Unbelievable, mind blowing order of things. From the planets to cell life. All perfect and very much not self-destructing. The laws of thermodynamics state that on its own, order can only produce disorder. What is more logical to believe, that everything came from nothing, or a from an all powerful creator? You run evolution, in this case, to it's basic fundamentals, and something had to come from something, or someone at some point.
"What's true for me, may not be true for you.", or "You believe what you want, and I'll believe what I want." just does not work. It's not even logical. Human opinion vs. human opinion can be such an endless argument and waste of time. As people, we tend to baulk at that, but we are the creation, not creator. We can not alter moral "gravity" just because we want to, or think we can.
For example, one person's truth is that cruelty is fine and acceptable, while to another, it is a reviling concept. Then, allow these two people to live out their beliefs in the same room, and the problem with relative truth becomes obvious.
If we were truly in control, as many believe we are, then why can't we even control our own bodies? I.e. Can you deliberately stop your heart from beating for even 3 seconds? Or hold your breath for over 10 minutes? No, the truth is, we are in control of very little; and even what we can control and choose, has been granted to us by God, and only God.
Consequences however, are never in our control. We are free to walk onto a freeway, have an affair, or lie to a friend, but the results of these choices are not in our control.
If I'm honest, there are a few things I don't like that the Bible teaches; but that does not make them untrue, or provide enough reason not to believe and obey it. And I have found that most people believe that if they cannot fully grasp a certain concept, then it must not be true. This is a dangerous stance to take on some issues.
I.e. I can't believe in God because science doesn't prove him. Let's assume that position is true. Science is not meant to measure and calculate the immaterial, only the material. Science can't prove or disprove anything from the spiritual or immaterial realm. It is the incorrect "ruler" to measure it with. This is not good reasoning. Or to take a position like this, "There is some truth from every religion." This assumes that the speaker knows everything there is to know about everything; that they have the ultimate perspective to look at religions from. This of course is not the case of any human being.
I have not found even close to enough scientific, historical, valid or logical basis with which to turn my back on what the Bible says. The Bible is by far and away, the most accurate and reliable piece of literature in antiquity.
How many manuscripts are there of Julius Caesar's Gallic Wars? Ten. The earliest copies written 900 years after the fact.
And how many copies of Aristotle's Poetics? Five. Found over 1300 years later.
How about Herodutus? Less than ten.
Plato? 1300 years later and only 7 copies.
Homer's work? 600+ copies and 2100 years later; and even authentic authorship is not sure.
The New Testament? 6000 manuscripts. Some copies from 120 years after the fact.
These are from eye witnesses written down between 60 and 100 AD. If in a court case, during the time the the New Testament was written, even two witnesses disagreed over something, the case would get thrown out. This is just how heavily weighted the testimony of a witness was.
http://books.google.ca/books?id=hWkoFOvbWW4C&pg=PA322&lpg=PA322&dq=roman+court+case+two+witnesses&source=bl&ots=-E9COWpZgB&sig=tIQ9FfNwALTvRrkZ72YHuLIFr1Y&hl=en&ei=w8KqTc3YIOPeiAKbhaHvDA&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CB4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=roman%20court%20case%20two%20witnesses&f=false
If the Bible was really full of myths, made-up stories, and partial lies, there were no shortage of people of all social positions willing and ready to point out the error. Why did no one point anything out? Because there was nothing to point to as false, and there were thousands of eye witnesses they would have to deal with. Any attacks on the earliest manuscripts would never reach the surface because they had nothing to stand on, despite plenty of motivation for some to try.
If the Bible was truly a human fabrication born for the purpose of human power, there would be no mistakes. By "mistakes" I mean that the Bible has many small details that don't match up perfectly, i.e. one account says there was two bystanders, while another says there was three. What was witnessed, matches up flawlessly, but small details like this sometimes don't. Or, that the sun stood still for the Israelites during a battle. Things were recorded mostly from a human perspective. So to a human perspective the sun would appear to remain still, as opposed to the earth pausing on it's rotation of the sun. But this of course doesn't mean it didn't happen.
This proves divine inspiration more than not, as a conspiracy wouldn't allow for these types of "errors". Editors of a conspiracy through the years wouldn't miss things like that.
A common argument, is that the Bible has been translated so many times that it can't be held as trustworthy. This has significant holes in it. For example, when you go to develop pictures from film, do you bring the original for printing, or previously printed copies to scan and re-print? The original film, obviously. To print, scan, re-print, scan, etc. etc. would of course result in lower quality. This is why you would always bring the original film to make more copies.
The same is true when translating the Bible. As long as the original texts are used, then it remains 100% reliable. (I have found this argument is used by people who are not necessarily lacking intellectual ability, but have heard it from someone else, and took it as face value instead of looking into it for themselves.)
On asked why he believes the Bible, V. Baucham said this, "It's a reliable collection of historical documents written by eye witnesses during the lifetime of other eye witnesses. They report supernatural events that took place in fulfillment of specific prophesies, and claim their writings divine, rather than human in origin...The Bible teaches authority, to a world of autonomy."
I say all this to give a quick backdrop to where I write from, my source of reasoning, hope, and purpose behind the human existence called life. Thank you for following along. This hopefully gives a brief idea of the rationale behind what my reasoning is behind the conclusions I have come to regarding marriage. I do not believe anyone should have blind faith in the Bible. It would be great to add in more information, archeological finds, the scientific methods for determining accuracy regarding history, but I want to dedicate the rest of this post to the issue of marriage. If this issue of whether the Bible is truly reliable or not interests you, then this very comprehensive "lecture" on the overall accuracy of the Bible through history, including the arguments such as human error, translation inconsistency, historical documents, and archaeological digs will fascinate you as it did me.
http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=330111212288
There is more then enough scientific and historical facts to build a very real trust in what the Bible says to be accurate. At a very real point, faith comes into the picture; but it is built on trust. Whether the word 'faith' is used or not, every single person has it. To believe there is no god for example, cannot be proven. That belief and perspective takes a lot of faith. This is why I could never be an atheist. Logically, I can not build up the faith required to really believe that.
"To stay away from Christianity because part of the Bible's teaching is offensive to you, assumes that if there is a God, He wouldn't have any views that upset you, right? Does this make sense?"
- from the book 'Reason for God'
But as Sir Winston Churchill said,
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened."
Yes, truth can be a stark reality at times, but even so, it is a freeing thing.
The case for the authority of Scripture can defend itself quite easily, but Truth seems to have few close friends. It is much safer to seek the truth, than to actually find it. Because once found, truth demands the finder to bend the knee to it. It is the authority, and the bar to which all humanity is accountable to. The sinful human heart burns against this. We hate the idea of being accountable.
We tend to quickly run towards the human opinion that Scripture is "narrow minded" (which, if you really think about it, is a very narrow minded view in itself; but that's for another post), but who are we to question God? Who are we to think we have the highest bird's eye view on life?
A master owes his slave no explanation, or any reasoning for his decisions.
I always want to be teachable. To be confident in what I believe yes, but be willing to undergo even the most severe scrutiny and examination; because that is what I strive to do to the truth, and the veracity of what I believe. I have the most to lose if I'm wrong.
To be teachable seems to have become a long lost art, pursuit, and even desire of the mind and heart. Learning can be very humbling, as it can only happen by admitting you were wrong, or didn't know something. I do not claim to have all the answers, but what I DO know, I am confident in as I have come to these conclusions by being willing to be wrong about my currently held beliefs as I have examined the most important issues in this life...
WHEN LIFE HITS THE FAN
Now, on to the issue at hand. Marriage!
To be honest, in my years leading up to marriage I thought I had a decent grasp on what it meant to be a solid husband. And looking back I suppose I wasn't too far off, as great examples of successful marriages have been all around me for as long as I can remember; so the basics were hard to miss, but I was in for a steep learning curve.
A month before Christa's and my wedding day, I was at work building something or other (I'm a Journeyman Carpenter), and I was listening to a sermon on my iPod by Paul Washer out of the U.S. on the very topic of marriage. http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?SID=7708223601
About half way through his talk, I stopped cutting and put the saw down. I do not consider myself to be an overly emotional guy, but something hit me very deeply that day. I had never heard marriage be explained or laid out this way.
I just stood there; not moving and fairly stunned for at least 15 minutes.
To try and condense what had hit me was this: Marriage is the most high stakes game you could possibly play in this life. Being a husband is the most all-consuming, risky, intensive, and purposeful endeavor a man can take on in this life. To be a real husband means sacrificing all of yourself, all the time. These are not just chivalrous words to be at most, chased after. You willingly sign over all your rights, for the sake of your bride. Marriage is not a part time job. It is not a 40 hour a week commitment.
Marriage has to the potential to continually rip the selfishness right out of you. Your faults can be magnified tenfold, but so can your strengths.
Imagine the carnal, prebuilt selfishness in you as the casing to a grenade; and marriage is when you pull the pin.
I had no idea just how many opportunities I would have for these truths to come into play in my life in the very near future.
Christa and I got married in the summer of 2008; a year to the day that we first met. I suppose that is fairly quick for some, but I had my mind made up a few months into the relationship:)
Christa's health had been very up and down in the year and half before we got married, but despite the lack of a correct diagnosis, we decided to get married as she seemed to be slowly improving. There was no turning back for these two love birds!
Our two week honeymoon in the unique and awesomely beautiful Carmel, California was not like any other honeymoon I've heard of yet. In some ways, it was like a perfect dream. Our love finally being realized in every single way, the picturesque scenery, delicious food, amazing home by the ocean for free, a Land Rover all ours to use for free, bike rides and jogs along the ocean, and much more! But in other aspects, it was heart breaking and devastating. You see, it was on our honeymoon when life started to really "hit the fan" for us. Christa's body, though strong and healthy overall, began spiralling downward so dramatically after an outrageous 5 hours out at sea in a storm, we flew home early to avoid any more close calls requiring an ambulance ride to ER. There are many many stories over the next period of time, but to sum it up, Christa had to quit her job teaching special needs kids, drop out of her college course, and cancel weddings we had rsvp'd to. As I needed to go to work during the day, I had to sleep in a different room with ear plugs because Christa was in so much agony that she couldn't help the screams and moans that came through the night.
Christa would just lay in bed for hours waiting for the pain to lift. Her mom or friend would come over to help in what ways they could sometimes. I tried to keep working carpentry while we searched frantically for answers, but after almost cutting some fingers off multiple times because I couldn't concentrate from such fatigue, I decided to quit to take care of my bride full-time. Her health had gotten that scary only a month or two into our marriage.
We were still completely in love, and somehow growing more so, as each brutal day went by. But such uninvited, severe, and unrelenting suffering was taking a huge toll on us physically and emotionally. So little sleep for weeks on end... Trips to the emergency room resulting in nothing but more unanswered questions. Giving her mouth-to-mouth oxygen because her lungs would often "lock-up", head and body pain so severe she would lose consciousness from the agony dozens of times each day, helping her vomit, trying to hold her still as her body was racked with violent seizures, or staring blankly out the window as she moaned for hour after hour in another room. This became standard issue for our young marriage.
I don't claim to know if our relationship was something directly brought about by God, but I know it is something very rare and precious. I also know God has blessed us in countless and significant ways despite the storm we have lived in for so long now. There is no other explanation for the fact that Christa and I have never stopped growing in our love for each other. In the face of this monster, we have had to fight and claw for every inch of our love. Although "happy" moments have been few and far between, but the joy that can only come from God's unrelenting love for us has been almost always present in our marriage and lives.
We spent the first 5 of 7 months of our vulnerable marriage living with our in-laws in this horrible state we had found ourselves in. During our first year of marriage, we moved into 27 different rooms across western Canada and some of the US because of health related reasons. Even after 35+ doctors and specialists we were still without concrete hope for an answer...intense fear began to sink deeper and deeper as the first few weeks and months of our marriage get more and more terrifying. I almost lost my Christa multiple times.
On a trip back from medical appointments in Vancouver in November 2008, I had to snap the wheel to avoid an elk that had just strolled onto the highway. We were doing 110 kmph when we side-flipped our car...
We found ourselves back in ER again...Without exaggerating, this was just some of what happened in our first year of marriage; and as fate would have it, it was only the beginning. Many more chapters of our life have been written since. All just as circumstantially terrifying, and often worse than the one previous.
She has passed out from pain, literally thousands and thousands of times; and all I can do is sit by her hoping the sun will rise the next morning and she will still be with me; then we wait for the sun to go down. And so most days go.
I have found her unconscious on the floor, often hitting her head on something on the way down, countless times. Emotionally dealing with canceling so many plans with friends, weddings missed, and pile higher then the eye can see of missed memories we will never, never get back.
Holding her up while she vomits all through the night happens often; while most of the world sleeps peacefully. Running up and down to the kitchen making snacks and meals at all hours. Having to make dozens of medical related phone calls while Christa is crying out in pain in the other room.
There is no possible way that mere words can convey the torture that my beautiful young bride has so gracefully endured. My intent is not to get a reaction from you, but to at least try to describe the tip of the iceberg of suffering that we have gone through, and still endure. I do this so that God willing, you will see that our hope still endures; even against such a bleak, and often stark background.
Over the last 12 to 24 months, we have found out exactly what type of infection has chronically plagued Christa for so long now. She contracted two separate infections that we know of from a bug bite 4 years ago. One infection was Lyme disease which has most likely been dealt with, and the other is a malaria like parasite which is very difficult to kill off. Both of these infections attack the central nervous system as well as cause unbelievable nerve pain. We are thankful to have access to the private health system of the US to get most of these answers, but the road to full recovery will take time.
I will share a few more stories as I write if I believe they will benefit you in some way.
Suffering and trials within marriage can have such a perfecting work on a couple. They can be such opportunities. Or just as realistically, they can be your demise and downfall.
"It's not the years honey, it's the mileage." - Indiana Jones
Certain truths began to stand out to me early on in this seemingly endless journey through dark shadowlands. The surface level life issues that are known to commonly plague people, i.e. expensive insurance, problems at work, canceled plans, and petty fights with friends, totally evaporate in the light of such all encompassing pain. I have found that with the increase of suffering, comes the potential to have the shallow and meaningless things of this life purged out of you; so all that's left to see is pure, unfiltered reality.
Although there is more strength in a healthy marriage as it provides a fortress to fight together from, it can also intensify the agony of the heart tenfold, as helplessly watching the person you love more then life itself, suffer so much. It feels like fish hooks that have been lodged into my flesh, being all ripped out at once; over and over and over again.
Chapter 5 continues this post...
